Common Sense: A Blog by Mary Worth

Location: United States

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sanity will prevail!

When I returned home from my volunteer work, I was dismayed to find Aldo Kelrast waiting for me on the well-manicured front lawn of the Charterstone Condominium Complex, of which I am the unofficial "queen bee." I thought to myself, "Here we go again!" and I prayed for the strength to resist Aldo's powerful sex appeal.

It was then that I noticed Aldo looked different. His ordinarily handsome features were marred by an angry grimace. His biceps were bulging as he gripped the back of the wooden bench there in the courtyard. I was momentarily afraid he might rip several boards off the backrest and bludgeon me with them! His normally bewitching eyes were glassy and fixed on me with an angry intensity. He resembled Lou Ferrigno more than he did Robert Keeshan.

He was a sexy beast, and I longed to throw myself into his powerful arms. But I was determined not to let myself succumb! I gathered myself and coolly said, "Aldo, we meet again." I think I succeeded in hiding my yearning for him. In fact, I think I may have sounded a little evil. I must admit, this whole situation makes me more than a little angry.

Aldo was angry too, but alas, he was angry at me! He shook his finger at me and told me that he likes a spirited woman, but that I had to stop playing hard-to-get!

Oh, I died a little inside, to think I had upset my dream lover!

I insisted that I wasn't playing hard-to-get, and I don't think I am. I know I can never be his! Propriety forbids it! This is no game. But Aldo became quite heated in his remarks. He assumed a judo stance and accused me again of playing games! I thought he might give me a quick karate chop to the neck, thus rendering me unconscious. A vision of him carrying my limp form upstairs and laying me out upon his big bed shook me to my very core!

I felt my loins grow hot, but I begged Aldo to calm down. I suggested we should sit down and rationally discuss the situation. Yes. I think there is no better way to dissuade a persistent admirer then to spend some time with him, trying to make him see reason.

I am sure that I will soon be able to go back to my chaste matronly widowhood without unwanted licentious fantasies plaguing me every moment of the day.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A fugitive from lust!

I can feel my willpower beginning to fade. I will soon be powerless to resist Aldo Kelrast's considerable manly charms. Every day when I put on my snappy hospital volunteer outfit, with its fashionable surgical green short-sleeved jacket and its yellow-and-black striped "bumblebee" knit blouse, I imagine how seeing a woman in uniform must inflame Aldo's desire. I fantasize about him rending these garments from my body, throwing me down on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the Charterstone Condominium Complex, and entering me with one powerful thrust!

I dread going home. I tell people that I don't know what to expect, but I do. I can expect Aldo to greet me at the door with his insistent advances toward me. I say his attention isn't flattering anymore--that it's something else entirely. And it is! It's beyond flattering--it's bewitching! I am falling under Aldo's wicked, wanton spell!

When he meets me in the parking lot, just the scent of him sets me aquiver--a potent combination of Old Spice and cured meats. The scent of Wild Turkey on his breath makes me long to taste his whiskey-flavored tongue in my mouth.

I owe Toby an apology. I lashed out at her the other day because I am really angry with myself! A respectable widow should have more self-control! I should be thinking of my devoted, loyal, chaste companion Jeff, who is pure and noble and good! Yes! I must turn my thoughts from unbridled sexual ecstasy and focus upon the more virtuous joys in life--the smile of a child who has been cured of illness, the delight of those on whom I bestow my apple cake and wisdom, and the respect I have earned as "the first lady of Charterstone." Yes, that will help me get through this trial!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Toby makes a vague plan.

After I finished crying the day I slammed the door in Aldo Kelrast's face, I invited my lovely but vacuous neighbor Toby Cameron over to share a slice of my special apple cake. Naturally, I couldn't eat the whole cake myself. After all, I do not have the appetite of Elly Patterson or her increasingly hefty spinster daughter.

Anyway, as I served the cake, I bragged to Toby about how much in love with me Aldo Kelrast seems to be. Toby naturally assumed I was complaining and that I had adopted her ridiculous belief that Aldo is a stone-cold killer. I insisted that I believed he was harmless, but that I wanted him to cease and desist his amorous advances toward me! I did not tell Toby the real reason--I am afraid that my willpower will be strong enough to resist him for much longer!

Of course, Toby let her overactive imagination take over, and she went completely off the rails, insisting that Aldo is not to be trusted, and that if Jeff were here, he would beat Aldo senseless to protect my virtue. I told her that was plainly ridiculous. Aldo is a powerfully-built, forceful, beefy young man, and my Jeff is not only older than him, but a pacifist whose passionate devotion to golf, to the exclusion of all other exercise, has caused his muscles to atrophy.

I wanted Toby to stop this anti-Aldo line of thought, so I told her that I did not need Jeff to rescue me from him. I also tried to deflect her crazed desire to use me as a vehicle for her rabid persecution of Aldo by telling her that I must be overreacting to the situation.

Of course, it didn't work. When a woman as dim as Toby gets an idea into her head, she runs with it until she either gets tired, or it slips her mind, or she is distracted by some shiny trinket. She put her hand on my arm and told me that she would help me figure out a way to deal with Aldo Kelrast!

Again, I tried to explain to Toby that I don't think Aldo is a psychopath--that my problem is that I cannot resist his animal sexual magnetism when he is pressing his suit so fervently! But that Toby's thinking is as wacky as the stripes on the top she was wearing. She told me she thought she had an idea. I thought to myself, "That'll be the day."

Sure enough, Toby did not tell me a plan. Instead, she pressed me for more gossip about Aldo's past. I told her that Aldo did not murder his wife--that he was simply passed out in a drunken stupor when she slipped and fell in the bathtub. It was all very innocent, I told her. Naturally, that empty-headed idiot Toby did not believe his story. She likes to think the worst of everyone. It gives her more to gossip about. No doubt she gets far more pleasure out of spreading the "Aldo Kelrast is a wife-killing stalker" than she would out of "Aldo Kelrast is a poor bereaved widower who has a minor drinking problem." I find this is typical behavior for vapid trophy wives.

Also, for some reason, Toby is insistent that Aldo's dashing, romantic pursuit of me must stop. I think she likes to think of herself as the only "hot little number" in the Charterstone Condominium Complex, and she feels my feminine allure somehow diminishes her own. Perhaps she is worried that her husband, the pompous but learned Dr. Ian Cameron, might also fall desperately in love with me?

Toby then revealed to me that she had a plan to make Aldo stop "harassing" me. I will reveal it at a later date. I'm not sure I understand it all. You know how silly young blonde golddiggers can be. It's hard for them to express themselves clearly.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

One thoughtless mistake can change your life forever (Part 2 of 2)

This is the lesson I learned from Aldo Kelrast the other day. I wish I had learned it sooner--if I had, I could have avoided making a regrettable social gaffe.

I left off in my last entry describing my proper refusals of Mr. Kelrast's attentions toward me. However, as in our previous encounters, he refused to desist in his pursuit of my love! Indeed, he alleged that my rejection of him was based in fear, and that he wanted to show me there was nothing to fear from falling into his hot, meaty embrace!

Oh, dear blog, I thought, how does he know so well the inner reaches of my psyche? Yes, I am afraid! Afraid of the wild, untamed lust that tugs at my loins! Afraid of losing my pristine, chaste reputation by acting on it! Afraid that Jeff might be so despondent upon the loss of my companionship that he might take his own life and die in some squalid Third World hovel!

But no--Mr. Kelrast referred to a different sort of fear. He worried that I had heard the terrible rumors about his wife's untimely death. I assured him that I had given those rumors little credence. After all, despite his faults, Aldo Kelrast has the same gentle, soulful face that Robert Keeshan had in his prime, and I am sure that it reflects the same pacifistic, humanitarian soul within.

But then Mr. Kelrast informed me that the rumors were true! I was shocked and horrified, yet delighted all at once, for as you know, I love to hear the secret, sordid details of the lives of others. I thought to myself, "Maybe this is my chance to redeem a murderer with my homespun wisdom! That's something I've never done before!"

This is where I made my fatal mistake. I let Mr. Kelrast see my interest in him and his story by encouraging him, through my querulous expression and eager mannerisms, to go on with his tale. I fear I may have seemed emotionally slutty at that moment.

Mr. Kelrast eagerly took advantage of me. He related his all-too-banal tale to me. He claims that on the night of his wife's death, they had a terrible argument. He says that his wife was furious with him for loading the dishwasher improperly and folding the towels in a manner that caused them to look unattractive when hung on the towel rack. Mr. Kelrast asserted that he was so distraught that he began to drink. After consuming a liter of vodka, he passed out in his red plaid La-Z-Boy recliner. When he awoke in the morning and ran to the bathroom to vomit, he discovered that his wife had slipped in the bathtub the night before and broken her neck. The mere memory of this tragedy caused my handsome admirer obvious anguish. I believe it may even have brought on a headache.

I assured Mr. Kelrast that all husbands and wives fight about those issues. It is quite normal for a husband to be incompetent around the house.

Mr. Kelrast clearly took my concern as a chink in my armor, as a crumbling of my resolve to remain properly faithful to Jeff. He assured me that if he were my special friend, he would always be attentive! I began to think of how inattentive my late husband Jack was, always gone at work, and particularly inattentive in the bedroom. I could see in Mr. Kelrast's gleaming, beady eyes a desire to pleasure me for hours and hours upon end!

I was undone. My heart began to beat fast. My breath came in pants. Little beads of sweat broke out upon my forehead. And I felt a tingling in my special lady place that I haven't felt since that time Jeff tried to cup my breast during our goodnight kiss. (Of course, I did the proper thing and slapped his hand away. Heavy petting is strictly forbidden prior to a formal engagement.) I began to think about how wonderful it would be to spend my retirement getting what Toby calls "moustache rides" every night after dinner!

NO! My sense of propriety rebelled against these unseemly thoughts! In my discomfiture, I turned on Aldo and lashed out, telling him he could never pay me those attentions because we would never have a relationship! I slammed the door in his face and fled upstairs.

I threw myself down upon the bed and sobbed. It's no use! I cast my lot with Jeff Cory, and I must accept that I am bound for the rest of my life to a kind, wholesome, respectable doctor who is a terrible kisser. I mean really terrible. He presses his teeth against mine, and it dislodges my dentures every time. But such is life.

Monday, August 21, 2006

My patience stretches only so far... (Part 1 of 2)

...before it gives way like the elastic in my favorite, well-worn girdle (circa 1954).

The other day, I did one of my occasional volunteer shifts at the local hospital. As some of you know, I volunteer there to cheer up patients by dispensing little homilies as they are needed. On that day, I remarked to one of the doctors that it was heartening to see a child overcome an ailment. After all, I primarily volunteer at the hospital because it makes me feel good. I said to someone, who I took to be a tall, thin male doctor, that the healers of the world were fortunate for the work that they do. Then I turned to face the person, but it turned out to be a tall, thin, mannish female nurse. This was fortunate because I felt like making some emotional remarks about missing my wonderful Jeff. The mannish nurse of course knew all about my torrid romance. No doubt she is jealous. I am sure that her looks are a great detriment in her search for a "friend."

After that, I drove around town and indulged in dreamy fantasies of my darling Jeff. I was so caught up that I didn't even stop to scold the homosexual Boy Scout leaders I saw standing at the bus stop with two of their young charges. It was probably too late for those boys anyway--they were already holding hands and skipping gleefully down the sidewalk.

It was a rude shock when I got out of my car and found Aldo Kelrast waiting for me in the parking lot of the tony Charterstone Condominium Complex. It seems that man practically lives in the parking lot! I shouted, "Oh no! Aldo!" in surprise. This was the wrong thing to do. First, a lady always modulates her voice and reins in her temper. Secondly, my use of his first name seemed to ignite the passions within. I could see the flames of lust dancing in his gorgeous, beady black eyes. He put his firm, warm, meaty hand on my arm and asked in that wonderful, throaty voice of his, "Mary, I hope you have some time for me!"

Well, of course he hopes that! I am the most desired resident in all of Charterstone, except for Toby Cameron, but she appeals to those with prurient interests and low taste. (After all, what is a gold-digging trophy wife if not a whore?)

I tried to protest, as a proper widow who already has a steady platonic male companion must do. But Aldo insisted! He blocked my path to the front door and said with violent feeling, "I refuse to believe you prefer to be alone, Mary! I know you want to be with me too!" I was shocked. I tried to speak again, but he cut me off, saying, "Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes!"

I almost fainted right there on the spot! How did Aldo know of my secret longing for him? Could he look into my crystal blue eyes and see straight into my burning soul? Did he know of my wild fantasies of tangled limbs and sweaty sheets?

My embarrassment turned to fury. How dare he intuit that I am not the proper dowager I present myself to be? I cruelly informed him that his pursuit of me was futile, and I pointed out that my treatment of him could not be enjoyable. But, to my surprise, he said that he prefers the chase most of all--that it is the best part of a relationship!

Well, I must admit that took the pleasure out of most of my fantasies about Mr. Kelrast right then and there. After all, I think the best part of a relationship is a cocoa nightcap with a cunnilingus chaser--if the parties are married, of course.

My disappointment only fueled my anger. I shouted at him, and even used one of the Italian words that my late husband, the financial genius Jack Worth, learned during his financial dealings with the Gambino crime family. I screamed at him to stay away from me, but then I felt regret because I didn't want him to stay away! I wanted him in my arms, in my bed! Having a man who looks like Robert Keeshan fall madly in love with me was my most cherished girlhood fantasy. But I had no idea it would actually happen to me, so of course I settled for the next-best sort of companion: a doctor! Jeff was a respectable choice. But oh, I long not to be so respectable! I would cast Jeff off in a second if I would not be shunned as the most wanton widow who ever lived! Everyone knows that a respectable widow cannot have more than one male companion after her husband's demise without running the risk of tarnishing her sterling reputation--and that of her late husband as well!

Aldo told me he could see I was afraid. I wanted to shout, "YES!" Because I am afraid--afraid of my feelings! He said he wants to show me there's nothing to be afraid of. It was then that I screamed, a primal, incomprehensible scream of frustrated sexual need! I need him, I want him, but I can never have him! Yet he persists in pursuing me! Oh, I thought, what will I do? I longed to tear off my surgical green jacket, throw myself into his arms, and make a lubricious display right there in the courtyard!

To be continued.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

"Gentleman caller" ruins my big dinner plans!

As you all know, I have a very full, active social life. That is part of why I did not join my friend Jeff on his mercy mission to Cambodia. I just have too much on my plate.

Speaking of what is on my plate, after my startling meeting with Mr. Kelrast, I went inside and put my groceries away--and then I made my world-famous tuna casserole! I am quite a good cook, even if I do say so myself. I am sure that if I ever decided to make my recipe for tuna casserole public, gourmets everywhere would be fighting for the rights to publish it!

Every time I make my casserole, it's a special occasion. I was planning to celebrate by setting the table with my fine china, lighting some candles, dimming the lights, and breaking out my best amontillado (sherry is wonderful with fish!). Even when you are dining alone, it is can be an occasion. I was just about to sit down and say grace to thank God for making me the world's best chef when the phone rang.

It was Aldo Kelrast, wanting to ask me to dinner! I became very annoyed. I have not minded his attentions so much until now but interrupting my big plans with my tuna casserole is just not acceptable! I told him I was not interested in pursuing a personal relationship with him. I reminded him that it is best for me not to socialize too closely with single men while Jeff is out of the country, so I am staying at least 50 feet from all the single men I know until then. Mr. Kelrast was undeterred. He promised me that in our relationship, if we should have one, he would do all the work!

I have to admit that my mind momentarily drifted to naughtier thoughts. My late husband Jack was a very lazy man. He worked hard as a financial wizard, but he did not want to expend any energy at all at home. This laziness extended to activities in the bedroom. If I wanted marital relations, I had to 1) admit it, 2) initiate the proceedings, and 3) be on top. Of course, these things are all very unladylike, so Jack and I only had marital relations about half a dozen times during the course of our marriage. I suspect this is why Jack and I remained childless.

Anyway, I found myself beginning to fantasize about how nice it would be to have a vigorous partner who looks like Robert Keeshan when I came to my senses. I was being mentally unfaithful to Jeff!

I admit that I took my anger out on Mr. Kelrast. I yelled at him for interrupting my dinner. He asked me if I wasn't lonely eating alone. Of course I am! But I couldn't admit that because it would give Mr. Kelrast the idea that I wanted his company. So I lied and said I was going to read a good book. Then he asked me which one. I felt so conflicted! On one hand, I wanted to chat with him! On the other, chatting with him would be cheating on Jeff! So I snapped, "If you must know, it's the classic Far from the Madding Crowd!" That was my late husband's favorite book. He was a bit of a hermit when he wasn't at the office.

Immediately, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I knew that this revelation would lead to a deeper intimacy with Mr. Kelrast. And I was both thrilled and terrified by that!

I am getting over-excited just recounting these events. I need to go lie down and use my "neck massager" to relax myself. Maybe I will tell more later.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

A woman needs a man to feel safe.

It's just true. I have been skittish about everything since Jeff left. Even though he doesn't live with me, I feel that I am safer just because I have a special man friend in the neighborhood.

I am sure that is why Aldo Kelrast makes me nervous. That, and those silly rumors Toby told me about. After all, in the past, when other Charterstone residents appeared beside my car, I did not freak out. When other Charterstone residents asked me if they could help carry my bags, I let them. When other Charterstone residents asked me to lunch, I went. But now, even though I am pretty open-minded, I can't even take a joke! I was actually reduced to spilling my groceries all over the floor in fear when I finally got into my condo!

I wonder how many times I will have to turn down Aldo Kelrast's overtures before he gets a clue?! I can't have anything to do with him, platonically or otherwise! I already have a man friend--Jeff! Aldo seems to think that the only way that is a problem is if Jeff finds out Aldo and I have been having lunch together, or if Aldo was carrying my bags for me. But it isn't! If I let another man put his hands on my bags, it would be bad enough that I WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT!

Then again, I do find a man in a bow tie devastatingly attractive!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

A bow tie and a smile.

When I returned to Charterstone with my groceries, I was startled to see Aldo Kelrast near my car. I am afraid I let out a most unladylike shout. After all, it is very abnormal to see a resident of Charterstone in the Charterstone parking lot, isn't it? Maybe not. But I was distracted by thoughts of my special apple cake.

Mr. Kelrast offered to help me carry my groceries. Of course I refused. Just because Jeff is in a foreign country does not mean I am going to let some other man put his hands all over my groceries. I am not that kind of woman! So I insisted on carrying them myself, even though I must admit, it was a struggle. My special apple cake takes a lot of ingredients.

Then Mr. Kelrast puzzled me by saying it was "my turn." He looked almost sinister, in his bow-tied Robert Keeshan sort of way, as he said it. I asked him what he meant. He said that since he sent me flowers, it was my turn to do something nice for him. I rather unkindly asked him if he was joking, and he assured me that he was. "A little levity never hurt anyone!" he said.

I don't know about that. It sounds like a very decadent philosophy of life.

I will tell you all the rest of our conversation tomorrow. I am very tired. I had to hold those heavy bags of groceries all by myself during my lengthy conversation with Mr. Kelrast in the parking lot. I wish Jeff had been here, so he might have helped me carry my groceries. Maybe I should have let Mr. Kelrast help me. But a lady cannot have two knights in shining armor at one time! Or can she?

Excuse me, I have to go change out of my sensible pantsuit now. My conservatively-cut underpants are uncomfortably damp.

By the way, Professor Cameron, I do not think it is a very nice thing to do, spreading the vicious slander about "Kelrast" being an anagram for "stalker." Mr. Kelrast is understandably taken by my beauty. That's all. But I am sure he understands there can never be anything between us. Oh no, that's not what I mean to say at all. That makes it sound like there will be nothing between us, not even clothes, as we writhe sweaty and naked in his bed, moaning in ecstasy.

Now I really must go change.

Roses? For me?

When I returned from my sewing circle, I found a box of red roses waiting for me on my doorstep. Naturally, I assumed my wonderful friend Jeff had found some way of sending me roses from Cambodia. Imagine my utter shock when I read the card and found that they were from Aldo Kelrast!

The note said:

"Dear Mary,

I am returning the favor of flowers with more of the same! One good turn deserves another!

Aldo Kelrast"

I am more than a little stunned! I gave him those flowers as an act of compassion. I hope he knows that and did not send these flowers in a misguided attempt to woo me. I am taken! One single male friend is all a childless widow with a reputation for modest propriety is allowed! I am worried because of how he chose to address me as "Dear Mary." That is a very bold declaration of affection, don't you think?

Of course, I did put the flowers into a vase and display them prominently. Surely Mr. Kelrast will know that I am accepting these roses as a gesture of kindness only, right?

Time to go to the grocery store.

Innocent until proven guilty.

I told my friend Toby about my garden encounter with Mr. Kelrast. I told her how insistent he was that we should have lunch or dinner together. I told Toby I was sure this meant he must want to be "more than friends." After all, single men and women cannot have a meal together with a purely platonic interest in one another!

Toby asked me if I discouraged him. I told her that I did, and then admitted how flattered I was by his attentions. Mr. Kelrast is at least 15 years younger than I am, and yet he seemed taken with me at first sight! I could feel how he was devouring me with his eyes. I could tell he was imagining what I would look like without my clothes on. What I did not admit to Toby was that this turned me on. Robert Keeshan is the man I used to fantasize about when my late husband and I were having marital relations. Mr. Kelrast bears more than a passing resemblance to that devastatingly handsome actor, now sadly deceased.

I told Toby that Mr. Kelrast said I remind him of his late wife. Toby then warned me to stay away from Mr. Kelrast. Neighborhood gossip has it that Mr. Kelrast may have been responsible for his late wife's death! She died in some sort of household accident while only she and Mr. Kelrast were at home, and they were reportedly having marital troubles. Of course, I do not believe there is any truth in this rumor. Who could possibly be unhappy to be married to a Robert Keeshan look-alike? Such a woman would have to be insane.

I myself choose to believe that people are innocent until they are proven guilty in a court of law! Giving creedence to idle neighborhood gossip often causes rumors to fester into facts! There are a lot of terrible lies going around in this world. Toby says that the awful thing is, half of these lies are true! But I am sure that the lies about Mr. Kelrast are real lies, and not true lies. I think that's what I mean to say, anyway.

Excuse me now. I need to change into a sensible pantsuit before I go to my sewing circle.