Location: United States

Thursday, August 10, 2006

"Gentleman caller" ruins my big dinner plans!

As you all know, I have a very full, active social life. That is part of why I did not join my friend Jeff on his mercy mission to Cambodia. I just have too much on my plate.

Speaking of what is on my plate, after my startling meeting with Mr. Kelrast, I went inside and put my groceries away--and then I made my world-famous tuna casserole! I am quite a good cook, even if I do say so myself. I am sure that if I ever decided to make my recipe for tuna casserole public, gourmets everywhere would be fighting for the rights to publish it!

Every time I make my casserole, it's a special occasion. I was planning to celebrate by setting the table with my fine china, lighting some candles, dimming the lights, and breaking out my best amontillado (sherry is wonderful with fish!). Even when you are dining alone, it is can be an occasion. I was just about to sit down and say grace to thank God for making me the world's best chef when the phone rang.

It was Aldo Kelrast, wanting to ask me to dinner! I became very annoyed. I have not minded his attentions so much until now but interrupting my big plans with my tuna casserole is just not acceptable! I told him I was not interested in pursuing a personal relationship with him. I reminded him that it is best for me not to socialize too closely with single men while Jeff is out of the country, so I am staying at least 50 feet from all the single men I know until then. Mr. Kelrast was undeterred. He promised me that in our relationship, if we should have one, he would do all the work!

I have to admit that my mind momentarily drifted to naughtier thoughts. My late husband Jack was a very lazy man. He worked hard as a financial wizard, but he did not want to expend any energy at all at home. This laziness extended to activities in the bedroom. If I wanted marital relations, I had to 1) admit it, 2) initiate the proceedings, and 3) be on top. Of course, these things are all very unladylike, so Jack and I only had marital relations about half a dozen times during the course of our marriage. I suspect this is why Jack and I remained childless.

Anyway, I found myself beginning to fantasize about how nice it would be to have a vigorous partner who looks like Robert Keeshan when I came to my senses. I was being mentally unfaithful to Jeff!

I admit that I took my anger out on Mr. Kelrast. I yelled at him for interrupting my dinner. He asked me if I wasn't lonely eating alone. Of course I am! But I couldn't admit that because it would give Mr. Kelrast the idea that I wanted his company. So I lied and said I was going to read a good book. Then he asked me which one. I felt so conflicted! On one hand, I wanted to chat with him! On the other, chatting with him would be cheating on Jeff! So I snapped, "If you must know, it's the classic Far from the Madding Crowd!" That was my late husband's favorite book. He was a bit of a hermit when he wasn't at the office.

Immediately, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I knew that this revelation would lead to a deeper intimacy with Mr. Kelrast. And I was both thrilled and terrified by that!

I am getting over-excited just recounting these events. I need to go lie down and use my "neck massager" to relax myself. Maybe I will tell more later.


Anonymous Toby said...

Mary, this Aldo guy is way too persistent! Would you like me to have my manly-professor husband keep an extra eye out for you? I don't like the vibe I get from this neighbor of ours, even if he does resemble Captain Kangaroo!


4:57 AM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...


I suspect this is why Jack and I remained childless.

I am so glad you did grandmother. I don't know how I would have dealt with other grandchildren who could walk or play, like I never could. I always had your attention. Well, until you abandoned me for your Wall Street tycoon husband, that is.

Still crippled and still missing you,
Dennie Worth

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

My beloved Mary,

You're breaking my heart, Mary Worth. A superb woman such as yourself, shouldn't eat alone or read classic books alone. She should eat and read alone with me. When you mention your friend Jeff has a place in your heart, it broke my heart into a million little pieces and stomped on every piece as it was crying, "Save me, Captain Kangaroo. Save me." A man thinks of strange things when his heart is broken.

Sadly and forlornly,
Aldo Kelrast

8:26 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth Patterson said...

Hi Mary!

I totally sympathize with you about your man trouble. I don't know if this helps, but imagine how much harder it would be if your love triangle was populated not by an absent philanthropist and a creepy Cooky the Cook lookalike, but by a scorchin' Canadian mountie and an totally gentle mustachioed high school sweetheart.

Oh, and a helicopter pilot. I guess it's a love square!

It's hard!!!

Lizzie Patterson

12:22 PM  
Anonymous M. Trail said...

Mrs. Worth,

I was saddened to read of your increasingly disturbed gentleman caller. I wish you had told me about him sooner. Men with facial hair are almost always trouble. (Keep that in mind, Miss Patterson!)

I would suggest that you get yourself a faithful animal companion to protect you. A pet can bring you joy and company, as well as rescue any stray beavers that happen to be in distress.

Sadly I cannot part with my faithful animal companion Andy. However, I have it on good authority that a very friendly and tame bear may be in need of adoption very soon. She could certainly keep Mr. Kelrast at bay. (Unless he is also a poacher, which could complicate matters.)

Let me know. It could make a wonderful article for my magazine, too!


M. Trail
Lost Forest

2:23 PM  
Anonymous dick tracy said...

Aldo Kelrast, there are stalking laws to be obeyed in this country.

Mary, let me know if you need help. This guy pales in comparison to the likes of Pruneface, Flattop Jones and their ilk.



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