Location: United States

Monday, August 21, 2006

My patience stretches only so far... (Part 1 of 2)

...before it gives way like the elastic in my favorite, well-worn girdle (circa 1954).

The other day, I did one of my occasional volunteer shifts at the local hospital. As some of you know, I volunteer there to cheer up patients by dispensing little homilies as they are needed. On that day, I remarked to one of the doctors that it was heartening to see a child overcome an ailment. After all, I primarily volunteer at the hospital because it makes me feel good. I said to someone, who I took to be a tall, thin male doctor, that the healers of the world were fortunate for the work that they do. Then I turned to face the person, but it turned out to be a tall, thin, mannish female nurse. This was fortunate because I felt like making some emotional remarks about missing my wonderful Jeff. The mannish nurse of course knew all about my torrid romance. No doubt she is jealous. I am sure that her looks are a great detriment in her search for a "friend."

After that, I drove around town and indulged in dreamy fantasies of my darling Jeff. I was so caught up that I didn't even stop to scold the homosexual Boy Scout leaders I saw standing at the bus stop with two of their young charges. It was probably too late for those boys anyway--they were already holding hands and skipping gleefully down the sidewalk.

It was a rude shock when I got out of my car and found Aldo Kelrast waiting for me in the parking lot of the tony Charterstone Condominium Complex. It seems that man practically lives in the parking lot! I shouted, "Oh no! Aldo!" in surprise. This was the wrong thing to do. First, a lady always modulates her voice and reins in her temper. Secondly, my use of his first name seemed to ignite the passions within. I could see the flames of lust dancing in his gorgeous, beady black eyes. He put his firm, warm, meaty hand on my arm and asked in that wonderful, throaty voice of his, "Mary, I hope you have some time for me!"

Well, of course he hopes that! I am the most desired resident in all of Charterstone, except for Toby Cameron, but she appeals to those with prurient interests and low taste. (After all, what is a gold-digging trophy wife if not a whore?)

I tried to protest, as a proper widow who already has a steady platonic male companion must do. But Aldo insisted! He blocked my path to the front door and said with violent feeling, "I refuse to believe you prefer to be alone, Mary! I know you want to be with me too!" I was shocked. I tried to speak again, but he cut me off, saying, "Your lips say no, but your eyes say yes!"

I almost fainted right there on the spot! How did Aldo know of my secret longing for him? Could he look into my crystal blue eyes and see straight into my burning soul? Did he know of my wild fantasies of tangled limbs and sweaty sheets?

My embarrassment turned to fury. How dare he intuit that I am not the proper dowager I present myself to be? I cruelly informed him that his pursuit of me was futile, and I pointed out that my treatment of him could not be enjoyable. But, to my surprise, he said that he prefers the chase most of all--that it is the best part of a relationship!

Well, I must admit that took the pleasure out of most of my fantasies about Mr. Kelrast right then and there. After all, I think the best part of a relationship is a cocoa nightcap with a cunnilingus chaser--if the parties are married, of course.

My disappointment only fueled my anger. I shouted at him, and even used one of the Italian words that my late husband, the financial genius Jack Worth, learned during his financial dealings with the Gambino crime family. I screamed at him to stay away from me, but then I felt regret because I didn't want him to stay away! I wanted him in my arms, in my bed! Having a man who looks like Robert Keeshan fall madly in love with me was my most cherished girlhood fantasy. But I had no idea it would actually happen to me, so of course I settled for the next-best sort of companion: a doctor! Jeff was a respectable choice. But oh, I long not to be so respectable! I would cast Jeff off in a second if I would not be shunned as the most wanton widow who ever lived! Everyone knows that a respectable widow cannot have more than one male companion after her husband's demise without running the risk of tarnishing her sterling reputation--and that of her late husband as well!

Aldo told me he could see I was afraid. I wanted to shout, "YES!" Because I am afraid--afraid of my feelings! He said he wants to show me there's nothing to be afraid of. It was then that I screamed, a primal, incomprehensible scream of frustrated sexual need! I need him, I want him, but I can never have him! Yet he persists in pursuing me! Oh, I thought, what will I do? I longed to tear off my surgical green jacket, throw myself into his arms, and make a lubricious display right there in the courtyard!

To be continued.


Anonymous Rex Morgan, MD said...

Mary, the newspapers have taken note of your predicament (h/t to melissa at comics curmudgeon).

As for myself, I take no interest in your romantic exploits, as I am busy struggling with my own supressed homosexual urges.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...


I am quite happy to see that you have decided to restrain your passions. I know that it was these unrestrained passions that led you to abandon me and your apple-selling career to run off with Jack Worth. I know your true feelings for the helpless, since you volunteer at the hospital. I wouldn't mind being visited myself. It has been a long time since the Great Depression, and I am still just as crippled as ever.

Your crippled grandson,
Dennie Worth

5:51 PM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

My beloved Mary,

I want us to be honest with each other. That’s why I am willing to share my secrets with you. I only hope that you can share your secrets with me too. Of course the difference with my secrets and your secrets is that my secrets are not actually secrets, they are more like true rumors. It may seem strange, but they are true rumors that are being whispered about as if they are not actually true. Well 50% true. Of course, the people doing the whispering are not very good whisperers because they are loud enough so I know what they are whispering. To summarize, my secrets are loudly whispered 50% true rumors that I know about.

Anyway, dearest Mary, I wanted you to know this. I believe in complete honesty.

Aldo Kelrast

6:01 PM  
Anonymous mary worth said...


I talked to your physical therapist the other day while I was at the hospital. He says you aren't so much as doing a simple lap around your room. I am so disappointed in you, Dennie. Remember: a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. You will never walk again if you don't start trying to walk again.

In order to encourage you, I suggested to the physical therapist that they cut off your television and phone privileges. He said that sounded like a fine idea. I hope this is the motivation you've been needing.

Sincerely, Mary Worth

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...


They took my television and phone privileges away. I suppose it is just as well. When we were living together during the Great Depression, I didn't have television then and I have never gotten used to telephones where you didn't have to ring the operator to make a call. Those newfangled rotary phones hurt my fingers. As long as I have my daily newspaper I can keep up with the goings-on of my long-departed grandmother. I don't know if the therapist told you this or not, but I am crippled and I will never walk again. But I so appreciate your kind thoughts that I will. It reminds me so much of the grandmother I remember, who used to keep a few apples aside for me at the end of a hard day of selling at the street corners.

Won't be walking any time soon,
Dennie Worth

4:14 PM  
Blogger Marc said...

Mary - How do you perpetuate a heavenly glow like in the Sunday strip?

5:11 PM  
Anonymous mary worth said...


To have glowing skin like mine, mix three parts self-righteousness with one part trite sentiment and one part moral rectitude. Apply liberally during social intercourse.

Sincerely, Mary Worth

12:05 PM  
Anonymous mary worth said...


I told the therapist to have your reading privileges revoked as well. This may sound harsh, but I believe that strong measures will be required to snap you out of your self-pitying funk! Remember, Superman was a quadriplegic and yet he was determined to walk again! And, before his death, he had made great strides (okay, little movements) toward his goal that the doctors thought would have been impossible to achieve. But he did achieve them--because of his determination! If he had not died from bedsores, I have no doubt that Superman would be walking down the sidewalk next to Lou and Kelly Stirling today!

Do you want to die from bedsores, Dennie? No, I didn't think so! I think I will send the Stirlings by to tell you all about the virtues of an active lifestyle. Lou Stirling didn't think he could do it either, and now look--he has lost three pounds!

Sincerely, Mary Worth

12:08 PM  
Blogger Marc said...

Mary I wrote a post about you on my

3:17 PM  
Anonymous mary worth said...

Dear Marc,

You seem to spend an inordinate amount of time watching me and thinking about the things that I do and say. You may be falling under my spell, as Mr. Kelrast has. I feel it is my duty to warn you that I am a one-man woman! What you are imagining happening between us can never be!

Sincerely, Mary Worth

3:25 PM  
Blogger Marc said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...


No reading either? Well, if you think that is best. I don't want to die from bedsores after all. I remember when you lived with me and you sold your apples, you would tell me what didn't kill me would make me stronger, and guess that's the same with bedsores. The Stirlings came by to visit. They seem like nice people, even though they wanted me to go with them to eat pie. I told them I was crippled and I wasn't allowed to read. So, Mr. Stirling read me "Dieting for Dummies" instead. It was quite inspirational.

Thanks for all you have done for me.

Still crippled but stronger,
Dennie Worth

11:36 PM  
Blogger Marc said...

Dennie - I hope Lou and Kelly left you tofu croquettes!

12:06 AM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...


Those must be the marvelous tofu-enhanced miniature frogs they left. I think they called them croak-ettes.

Dennie Worth

6:04 AM  

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