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Thursday, August 24, 2006

One thoughtless mistake can change your life forever (Part 2 of 2)

This is the lesson I learned from Aldo Kelrast the other day. I wish I had learned it sooner--if I had, I could have avoided making a regrettable social gaffe.

I left off in my last entry describing my proper refusals of Mr. Kelrast's attentions toward me. However, as in our previous encounters, he refused to desist in his pursuit of my love! Indeed, he alleged that my rejection of him was based in fear, and that he wanted to show me there was nothing to fear from falling into his hot, meaty embrace!

Oh, dear blog, I thought, how does he know so well the inner reaches of my psyche? Yes, I am afraid! Afraid of the wild, untamed lust that tugs at my loins! Afraid of losing my pristine, chaste reputation by acting on it! Afraid that Jeff might be so despondent upon the loss of my companionship that he might take his own life and die in some squalid Third World hovel!

But no--Mr. Kelrast referred to a different sort of fear. He worried that I had heard the terrible rumors about his wife's untimely death. I assured him that I had given those rumors little credence. After all, despite his faults, Aldo Kelrast has the same gentle, soulful face that Robert Keeshan had in his prime, and I am sure that it reflects the same pacifistic, humanitarian soul within.

But then Mr. Kelrast informed me that the rumors were true! I was shocked and horrified, yet delighted all at once, for as you know, I love to hear the secret, sordid details of the lives of others. I thought to myself, "Maybe this is my chance to redeem a murderer with my homespun wisdom! That's something I've never done before!"

This is where I made my fatal mistake. I let Mr. Kelrast see my interest in him and his story by encouraging him, through my querulous expression and eager mannerisms, to go on with his tale. I fear I may have seemed emotionally slutty at that moment.

Mr. Kelrast eagerly took advantage of me. He related his all-too-banal tale to me. He claims that on the night of his wife's death, they had a terrible argument. He says that his wife was furious with him for loading the dishwasher improperly and folding the towels in a manner that caused them to look unattractive when hung on the towel rack. Mr. Kelrast asserted that he was so distraught that he began to drink. After consuming a liter of vodka, he passed out in his red plaid La-Z-Boy recliner. When he awoke in the morning and ran to the bathroom to vomit, he discovered that his wife had slipped in the bathtub the night before and broken her neck. The mere memory of this tragedy caused my handsome admirer obvious anguish. I believe it may even have brought on a headache.

I assured Mr. Kelrast that all husbands and wives fight about those issues. It is quite normal for a husband to be incompetent around the house.

Mr. Kelrast clearly took my concern as a chink in my armor, as a crumbling of my resolve to remain properly faithful to Jeff. He assured me that if he were my special friend, he would always be attentive! I began to think of how inattentive my late husband Jack was, always gone at work, and particularly inattentive in the bedroom. I could see in Mr. Kelrast's gleaming, beady eyes a desire to pleasure me for hours and hours upon end!

I was undone. My heart began to beat fast. My breath came in pants. Little beads of sweat broke out upon my forehead. And I felt a tingling in my special lady place that I haven't felt since that time Jeff tried to cup my breast during our goodnight kiss. (Of course, I did the proper thing and slapped his hand away. Heavy petting is strictly forbidden prior to a formal engagement.) I began to think about how wonderful it would be to spend my retirement getting what Toby calls "moustache rides" every night after dinner!

NO! My sense of propriety rebelled against these unseemly thoughts! In my discomfiture, I turned on Aldo and lashed out, telling him he could never pay me those attentions because we would never have a relationship! I slammed the door in his face and fled upstairs.

I threw myself down upon the bed and sobbed. It's no use! I cast my lot with Jeff Cory, and I must accept that I am bound for the rest of my life to a kind, wholesome, respectable doctor who is a terrible kisser. I mean really terrible. He presses his teeth against mine, and it dislodges my dentures every time. But such is life.


Anonymous Smilin' Jack said...

Mary, Mary, Mary --- A Captain Kangaroo moustache ride? You can do better than that - - - Much MUCH better!!!

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

Beloved Mary,

Even though you have slammed the handleless, unlockable glass door on our love, I want you to know that I will wait for you. In the parking lot, outside your window, on your front stoop. No place is too inconvenient for me to show you the affection I have for you. When you take a walk, if you hear a bush rustle nearby, think of my love for you.

Love forever,
Aldo Kelrast

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Toby said...

I just knew that Aldo Kelrast couldn't be trusted! Maybe a restraining order?


6:35 PM  
Anonymous Elly Patterson said...


It sounds as though the late Mrs. Kelrast was a sensible woman making quite reasonable requests! If those small bits of instruction sent Aldo into a tailspin of drunk, he is clearly unstable and not to be trusted!

Best regards,

Elly Patterson

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Mark Trail said...

Mrs. Worth,

I am saddened to read of your continuing troubles. This Mr. Kelrast seems quite persistant and I appreciate how trying this must be for you. You seem to be reacting in a most unladylike fashion, however. Certainly my faithful animal, wife Cherry would never react with such emotion. Your uncontrolled temper could cause you trouble. Witness a neighbor of mine whose anger resulted in the wanton kicking of chickens and now may end in the malicious wounding of a faithful, animal companion.

Please try to check your emotions. Though I admit to the occassional fisticuffs when needed (usually against a mustachioed ruffian--again, I caution about becoming entangled with anyone who has facial hair), you must reserve violent emotions for those situations that absolutely require it.

Lost Forest

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Abraham ("Abie") Kabibble said...

Mary Worth,

If you are looking for moustache rides, look no farther. Mine moustache is thick from working so hard on the 1914 “complex” auto company. Don’t choose this Aldo. Better to choose Abie the Agent. I guarantee a good ride.

Abraham ("Abie") Kabibble

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...


If you are planning to get rid of Aldo Kelrast, so he won't bother you any more, I can help. I may have been crippled for over 70 years, but my brain works and years of watching Humphrey Bogart movies has taught me many ways of dealing with villains. Remember how you taught me to deal with ruffians during the Great Depression. A little elbow grease and some rotten apples will teach Aldo a lesson or two.

Don't listen to your friend, Toby Cameron's ideas. She is a trophy wife and she is not a natural blonde. She wouldn't have lasted one day on the streets during the Depression.

Your grandson,
Dennie Worth

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

In response to Dennie's comment, I take umbrage at the suggestion that I am an empty-headed trophy wife. Be assured that I have had my share of trials in life, and I hope to spare Mary any needless suffering.

She has been a Godsend to Ian and me. After I revealed to Ian that I had started life as a man, we were on the verge of divorce. It was only Mary's loving, home-spun advice that kept us together.

I am sympathetic to Aldo's feelings, certainly. Having noticed a certain soft, femininity in his bearing and speech, I am wondering if he, too, has been struggling with his gender identity. It is possible that his emphatic professions of love for Mary are simply an attempt to convince himself of his masculinity.

That having been said, I feel that my first duty is to my friend, Mary. This whole situation has her terribly distraught. I believe my plan is the best one for Mary, Jeff, and Aldo.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Marc said...

Toby - Why do you bear so much resemblance to that empty-headed Ann Coulter?

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Well, Marc, I certainly share some of the views that Ann Coulter has. I mean, why should women want to be involved with such things as finances and politics, when it is sooooo obvious that men do a far superior job?

I think that God designed women - especially strong women such as Mary and me - to be comforters and counselors on the homefront. I would much rather be painting miniatures or cooking up a gourmet meal for my man that out fighting some yucky war in Iraq.

But really - Ms. Coulter MUST do something about that hair. I mean, who can take her seriously with all those split ends and dark roots?

12:59 PM  

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