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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sanity will prevail!

When I returned home from my volunteer work, I was dismayed to find Aldo Kelrast waiting for me on the well-manicured front lawn of the Charterstone Condominium Complex, of which I am the unofficial "queen bee." I thought to myself, "Here we go again!" and I prayed for the strength to resist Aldo's powerful sex appeal.

It was then that I noticed Aldo looked different. His ordinarily handsome features were marred by an angry grimace. His biceps were bulging as he gripped the back of the wooden bench there in the courtyard. I was momentarily afraid he might rip several boards off the backrest and bludgeon me with them! His normally bewitching eyes were glassy and fixed on me with an angry intensity. He resembled Lou Ferrigno more than he did Robert Keeshan.

He was a sexy beast, and I longed to throw myself into his powerful arms. But I was determined not to let myself succumb! I gathered myself and coolly said, "Aldo, we meet again." I think I succeeded in hiding my yearning for him. In fact, I think I may have sounded a little evil. I must admit, this whole situation makes me more than a little angry.

Aldo was angry too, but alas, he was angry at me! He shook his finger at me and told me that he likes a spirited woman, but that I had to stop playing hard-to-get!

Oh, I died a little inside, to think I had upset my dream lover!

I insisted that I wasn't playing hard-to-get, and I don't think I am. I know I can never be his! Propriety forbids it! This is no game. But Aldo became quite heated in his remarks. He assumed a judo stance and accused me again of playing games! I thought he might give me a quick karate chop to the neck, thus rendering me unconscious. A vision of him carrying my limp form upstairs and laying me out upon his big bed shook me to my very core!

I felt my loins grow hot, but I begged Aldo to calm down. I suggested we should sit down and rationally discuss the situation. Yes. I think there is no better way to dissuade a persistent admirer then to spend some time with him, trying to make him see reason.

I am sure that I will soon be able to go back to my chaste matronly widowhood without unwanted licentious fantasies plaguing me every moment of the day.

7 Comments:

Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Toby,

Thank you kindly for your remarks on the subject of rear-entry positions. I'm not sure what you refer to when you mention shipping and receiving. Also, I must admit that I don't understand exactly what frogs and oil rigs have to do with the matter. But your advice has been helpful anyway. It has allowed me to conclude that there is only one proper position for intercourse--the one that was ordained by God and disseminated by His messengers, the Christian missionaries.

You mention going to the party for the goody bag. I think you must be referring to a newfangled arrangement I have heard discussed amongst some of the other widowed residents of Charterstone--"friends with benefits." I don't really know what that sort of thing entails. Could you give me some information, so I can decide whether it's proper or not? Miss Manners, Emily Post, AND Amy Vanderbilt are woefully silent upon the propriety of such an arrangement.

Sincerely yours, Mary Worth

1:01 PM  
Anonymous victoria "toby" cameron said...

I am relieved that you are trying to maintain propriety, Mary. While you may think that being "friends with benefits" refers to being able to borrow a cup of sugar without having to pay it back, I assure you that there is quite a different kind of "sugar" being shared.

Far be it from me to gossip, but I hear that our former friend, Rita Begley, was renowned among the widowers of Charterstone for her sticky buns - even though the woman never baked a day in her life.

But I am being indelicate. I know it must be a struggle to remain faithful to Jeff when he is so far away. But understand, Mary, that he must be fighting his own temptations. Exhausted with his thankless work on the poor, underprivileged, ailing tots in Cambodia, surely he must toy with the thought of slipping across the border into Thailand for some temporary solace. If he can remain strong in the face of such temptation, surely you can do the same, dear Mary.

Oh, I have one further admonition. You mentioned a burning in your loins. Perhaps you missed the notice put in all the residents' mailboxes that there has been an infestation of Pthirus pubis, the common crab louse, in the community meeting house of Charterstone. You might want to get yourself checked out.

5:41 PM  
Anonymous aldo kelrast said...

Lovely Mary,

I knew you would respond to my strong male decision to call you out about your playing hard-to-get. A man can only take so much resistance from a woman. Flowers and sweet talk are supposed to work and once they have been given to the object of your desire, which is you, dear Mary, then it is reasonable to expect the object to come to her senses and give a little back.

I have been waiting for you to invite me inside for weeks, and I knew my dream would finally come true. First a little light conversation, which I understand most ladies like to get them in the mood, and then we can move on to the main event. First I will help you off with your jacket, while I am nibbling on your ear. And you don’t have to worry about the nibbling. I had a little snack before I decided to sit outside your door, so the nibbling will be sensitive and delicate, just like you ladies like. Oh, Mary. We are going to have an excellent “talk.”

You own my heart,
Aldo Kelrast

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Dawn Weston said...

Mary, I thought you had more decorum...you're talking about "teh anal sehkszes"! A woman like you should be well into menopause and not worrying about rear entries!

8:05 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Dawn,

Kindly observe the first rule of my blog: English only. I do not know what language "teh anal sehkszes" is, nor what it means. How can I respond to your comments if you do not post them in a language I can understand?

However, your concerns about my lack of propriety are well-founded. I don't know what sort of perversion "teh anal sehkszes" is, but you are right that a woman of my age and situation should not be (1) thinking of having sex (2) in alternative positions (3) with a man to whom she is not married. Believe me, I am heartily ashamed of this whole mess. I am going to do my level best to set Mr. Kelrast straight about my intentions toward him.

Sincerely yours, Mary Worth

9:58 PM  
Anonymous dennie worth said...

Grandmother,

I think I know what the problem is. Remember just before the Great Depression, when you and grandfather went to the dinner party with that politician, Herbert Hoover. Grandfather said you disappeared during the party for awhile and he couldn’t find you. Then you finally showed up awhile later and your hair was a little messed up. I remember Grandfather said there were 3 things which came out of that party: (1) Herbert Hoover said he met someone who had very powerful lips, and he thought up the Hoover vacuum, (2) Herbert Hoover insisted on keeping the Federal budget balanced after the stock market crash and by severely cutting taxes turned a simple economic downturn into the Great Depression, (3) You wanted to try a lot of different positions with Grandfather. Obviously your brain has been infected by Herbert Hoover once again.

Your grandson,
Dennie Worth

10:03 AM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dennie,

You have better things to do than to spread scandalous and untrue rumors about my past. Have you even tried to get out of bed today? Or even to stretch your legs a bit?

I can see the orderlies gave you back your laptop computer. I guess they don't care about motivating you to get well. You're never going to walk again with this kind of attitude.

Sternly, Mary Worth

11:47 AM  

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