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Monday, August 28, 2006

Toby makes a vague plan.

After I finished crying the day I slammed the door in Aldo Kelrast's face, I invited my lovely but vacuous neighbor Toby Cameron over to share a slice of my special apple cake. Naturally, I couldn't eat the whole cake myself. After all, I do not have the appetite of Elly Patterson or her increasingly hefty spinster daughter.

Anyway, as I served the cake, I bragged to Toby about how much in love with me Aldo Kelrast seems to be. Toby naturally assumed I was complaining and that I had adopted her ridiculous belief that Aldo is a stone-cold killer. I insisted that I believed he was harmless, but that I wanted him to cease and desist his amorous advances toward me! I did not tell Toby the real reason--I am afraid that my willpower will be strong enough to resist him for much longer!

Of course, Toby let her overactive imagination take over, and she went completely off the rails, insisting that Aldo is not to be trusted, and that if Jeff were here, he would beat Aldo senseless to protect my virtue. I told her that was plainly ridiculous. Aldo is a powerfully-built, forceful, beefy young man, and my Jeff is not only older than him, but a pacifist whose passionate devotion to golf, to the exclusion of all other exercise, has caused his muscles to atrophy.

I wanted Toby to stop this anti-Aldo line of thought, so I told her that I did not need Jeff to rescue me from him. I also tried to deflect her crazed desire to use me as a vehicle for her rabid persecution of Aldo by telling her that I must be overreacting to the situation.

Of course, it didn't work. When a woman as dim as Toby gets an idea into her head, she runs with it until she either gets tired, or it slips her mind, or she is distracted by some shiny trinket. She put her hand on my arm and told me that she would help me figure out a way to deal with Aldo Kelrast!

Again, I tried to explain to Toby that I don't think Aldo is a psychopath--that my problem is that I cannot resist his animal sexual magnetism when he is pressing his suit so fervently! But that Toby's thinking is as wacky as the stripes on the top she was wearing. She told me she thought she had an idea. I thought to myself, "That'll be the day."

Sure enough, Toby did not tell me a plan. Instead, she pressed me for more gossip about Aldo's past. I told her that Aldo did not murder his wife--that he was simply passed out in a drunken stupor when she slipped and fell in the bathtub. It was all very innocent, I told her. Naturally, that empty-headed idiot Toby did not believe his story. She likes to think the worst of everyone. It gives her more to gossip about. No doubt she gets far more pleasure out of spreading the "Aldo Kelrast is a wife-killing stalker" than she would out of "Aldo Kelrast is a poor bereaved widower who has a minor drinking problem." I find this is typical behavior for vapid trophy wives.

Also, for some reason, Toby is insistent that Aldo's dashing, romantic pursuit of me must stop. I think she likes to think of herself as the only "hot little number" in the Charterstone Condominium Complex, and she feels my feminine allure somehow diminishes her own. Perhaps she is worried that her husband, the pompous but learned Dr. Ian Cameron, might also fall desperately in love with me?

Toby then revealed to me that she had a plan to make Aldo stop "harassing" me. I will reveal it at a later date. I'm not sure I understand it all. You know how silly young blonde golddiggers can be. It's hard for them to express themselves clearly.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

I am deeply hurt, Mary, that you think me a gossipy air head. I have been a true friend to you, and there is something definitely amiss with Aldo Kelrast - if that is even his real name.

As our friendship has progressed, I have helped you to bloom from a frumpy, wrinkled blue-hair into the trendy, lithe, alluring woman that you are today.

Shame on you for questioning my motives, Mary! And as far as Mr. Kelrast's romantic prowess goes, I have it on good authority that his friends from the health club have given him the moniker "Shrinky Dink."

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

My beloved Mary,

I am afraid I must defend myself once again from those who whisper about me. I want to be as honest with you as I can. Toby Cameron told you my nickname at the health club is “shrinky dink.” When I was married, and before my wife had her unfortunate accident, due to my drinking too much, I got this nickname. “Dink: is from “Double Income No Kids”, which means my wife and I both worked and we did not have any children. Shrinky is a reference to my training in psychiatry, even though I did not finish my studies, due to my teacher having an unfortunate accident. Rest assured, Aldo Kelrast is amplied supplied. Once your resistance to me ceases and desists, you will not have any regrets.

Your beloved,
Aldo Kelrast

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Elly Patterson said...

You old hag! How dare you make fun of my eating habits? At least my food looks like something that's edible! You eat taupe colored gelatinous blobs! And you have to stab yourself in the chin first. In Canada we don't have regenerative frosting on our taupe colored blobs which you Califonian's call "cake."

Leave my children out of this too you whiny old widow! I have never done anything to hurt you...so just leave me and my family alone, okay?

8:15 PM  

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