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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Battle of the Titans.

As the more learned of you know, the Titans were a race of giants in Greek mythology, born of Uranus and Gaea, who ruled the earth until they were overthrown by the Olympian gods. The Titans were gigantic in size and power.

Obviously, my Aldo and Dr. Ian Cameron fit this description to a T.

The surprise that I had waiting inside my apartment was an intervention that my dear friend Toby had organized! She knew that I would never have the willpower needed to resist Aldo's carnal appeal, so she gathered up all of my friends to help protect me!

As we entered my apartment, Aldo cried out, "Oh Mary, how could you?!" My heart broke into a thousand pieces at that instant. I barely had it in me to close the door. Fortunately, Toby and her formidable husband took over. Toby announced that they were staging an intervention on my behalf!

Naturally, Aldo did not want anyone to come between us and our animalistic passion for one another. He insisted that he was going to leave! But Dr. Ian used his large, strong hand to grip Aldo's meaty bicep and insisted that he sit down. When Aldo refused, Dr. Ian rose up to his full, commanding height and struck Aldo powerfully upon the shoulder, insisting that Aldo sit down!

Watching two such attractive, substantial men face off in a physical fight caused me to know new heights of lust! A fantasy sprang unbidden into my mind, a most vile yet compelling vision of throwing myself between the two men, and having them turn their focus onto me, rending my garments and then throwing me naked into that chair, taking their turns using my body for their own wanton, filthy desires! I had never been more aroused in all my life.

Alas, the physical confrontation ended almost as soon as it began. My Aldo naturally did not wish to cause trouble. He is so obviously a man with a gentle, compassionate soul, no matter what vicious rumors are spread about him. He sank into the couch, across from me, and listened patiently as Wilbur Weston interrupted the heated emotional tension of this tableau with tedious and unnecessary introductions. I wanted to kick him in the shins for ruining the moment. Fortunately, Dr. Ian and Toby understood the dramatic potential of keeping the tone as confrontational as possible! They shouted at Aldo, telling him over and over in no uncertain terms that I did not want him to bother me anymore!

Of course it is a lie! Oh, I long to throw myself into Aldo's embrace and succumb to his filthy manly urges! Thankfully, I have friends who will save my reputation for me!

But Aldo--oh, my Aldo--he took it so hard. He pressed his fists to his forehead as he doubled over in anguish. You can see, I'm sure, that it's utterly ridiculous to believe that such a sensitive man could have murdered his wife. My Aldo is a lover, not a fighter.

More later.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Lou Stirling said...

Mary,

My dear wife Kelly and I were deeply hurt that you did not invite us to your intervention. (After all, we too are brobdingnagian in size and power.) Your excuse about being concerned for the stability of your furniture was about as flimsy as a 19th-century wicker settee.

I will have you know that we stuck to your diet for a full three days before giving up. We even took the laxatives and amphetamine diet pills you sold us through that multilevel marketing scheme. But one cannot live on tofu croquettes forever!

Furthermore, while at the Bum Boat all-you-can-eat buffet the other night enjoying a blob of their excellent lamb stew, I believe I distinctly heard you remark to the server that you had just sighted a pair of whales. And I do not think you were referring to the view through the Bum Boat's whimsical novelty porthole. It is painted onto the wall.

Good day,
Lou Stirling

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Dear Mary,

I can certainly understand your appreciation of a fine man such as my Ian, but I must admit I am a bit uneasy when I note the gusto with which you praise his testosterone-rich physique and compelling presence.

I am still wary of Aldo, and I doubt the sincerity of his apparent emotion when we pointed out to him the cold hard truth of his abonimable conduct.

However, I am inclined to agree that the heart of a tiger may beat beneath his polyester polo shirt. He does possess a certain animal magnetism in a creepy, disturbing way. But you must keep yourself pure for your beloved Dr. Cory. Be strong!

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

Beloved Mary,

I have a deep fondness for you. However, your taste in friends leaves something to be desired. I am barely in your apartment for our special “talk” when they start telling me about an intervention arranged on your behalf. Well, at first I was a little confused. After all, I had no idea you had a drinking or drug abuse problem. Since I am going to be your future lover, I should have been invited, but I would think they would tell me about it before I got there with you. So, I thought I should leave to prepare better. After all, if you do have an intervention, I want to be there for you.

But your friend Ian Cameron, seemed to be upset with me, and rather than punch out one of your friends, I sat down. I have learned from past experience, punching out a friend of your wife or girlfriend is not a good idea. I was very happy you sat down with me.

Your friend Ian started quoting Shakespeare at me, and I began to wonder if I was supposed to identify which Shakespeare play it was from. I was about to say, “’The lady doth not protest too much’ is misquoted, but it’s from Hamlet Act III Scene II”, when Toby Cameron interrupted and started pointing to Wilbur Weston and lecturing him about how you didn’t want a relationship with him. I didn’t even know you had a problem with Wilbur Weston. But as my mother used to say, “Never trust a man with too many ‘w’s in his name.” Looking at Toby lecture, with her shirt especially designed so you could identify the location of her left nipple, started to make my head hurt. I hope you don’t mind me saying this beloved Mary, but your friends are about as incoherent a bunch of dopes as I have ever seen. When we are finally a couple, I hope we can make new friends for you.

Yours forever,
Aldo Kelrast

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...

Grandmother,

You sure have changed since the Great Depression. Back then, if a man was giving you trouble, you would pick up a lamp or some other heavy object and just whack the man over the head with it. Then if he had the nerve to ask you why you did it, you would say, “Well, you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself, so I helped you out.”

I have a feeling your intervention plan is going to work, but it would have been more fun, if you took a lamp to Aldo Kelrast’s head.

Your crippled grandson,
Dennie Worth

5:45 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Dennie,

I am shocked that you would even suggest something so crude as hitting Aldo over the head with a lamp. A true lady would never do such a thing.

We delicate and sophisticated women know that the only proper response to unwelcome advances is to gracefully reach forward with cupped hand, grasp the genitals with a quick downward motion, snap, and release.

8:14 PM  
Blogger d~ said...

Mary Worth, you're nothing but a shameless two-bit hussy.

6:18 AM  
Anonymous mary worth said...

Dear Lou,

I am sorry you are offended, but I assure you that it is all a misunderstanding. First, I was not in charge of the invitations to my intervention--Toby was. Second, I have not been to "The Bum Boat" since my dear Jeff left town. I'm sure you can appreciate how improper it would be for me to appear at "our old familiar" as a solo diner. "The Bum Boat" is such a romantic destination that dining there alone would be inappropriate. It must have been some other strikingly handsome matron who criticized your appearance.

As for the diet, all I can say is that without willpower, all is lost. If you can't make yourself take the amphetamines, well, I can't take them for you. Actually, I could, but you wouldn't get any thinner. I would just end up baking several dozen apple cakes and cleaning my condominium from top to bottom.

Sincerely yours, Mary Worth

Dear Toby,

Thank you so much for your emotional support in my time of need. Indeed, I will keep myself pure, but not for Jeff--for myself! I could not live with myself if I knew I had succumbed to my base, wanton, lewd sexual instincts with regard to my Aldo.

Don't worry, I would never act on them with regard to Dr. Ian either. In fact, I was quite taken aback by my fantasy, given his generally repulsive physique and chin beard. I am sure that my attraction to him is purely ephemeral, caused by seeing him in a violent, manly struggle with my powerful, lust-inducing Aldo.

Sincerely, Mary Worth

Dearest Aldo,

I do not have a drinking or a drug problem. I limit my drinking to a thimbleful of sherry now and then. My late husband, the financial wizard Jack Worth, had a terrible drinking problem. Three martini breakfasts were a habit for him, and every morning on the way to work, he bought a fifth of fine Scotch to help get him through the day. It was socially humiliating for me that everyone knew about it. I mean, he kept that bottle of Scotch right there on his desk. I wish he'd kept it quiet, as that would have been the proper course.

So, if I had a drinking or a drug problem, I would never agree to have an intervention. Those problems should be handled privately.

Try listening to what Dr. Ian is saying, dear. Though my passion for you reaches multiorgasmic heights, for the good of my reputation, we can never be together.

Devotedly yours in spirit if not in the flesh, Mary Worth

Dear Dennie,

I would never hit my Aldo. I'm sure you're still lying in your bed all day long, but have you even tried to do your leg exercises? The doctor says that if you would just do ten minutes on the ExerCycle, you could regain lost muscle mass in no time. You're a young man, Dennie. I hate to see you wasting away like this.

Sternly, your "Grandma" Mary

8:47 AM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

Dear Mary,

It was with a certain measure of surprise that, upon reviewing your posts to this blog, it became apparent to me that you were "into" "bears." Perhaps this, rather than your understandable wish to maintain your sterling reputation for chastity, accounts for the unconsummated nature of our relationship.

Far more disturbing, at least to myself as a professional in the field of medicine, was learning that your relationship with comestibles had apparently become quite freighted. At last, it has become pellucid to me how it is that you can emerge victorious in the competitive eating contest at the Bum Boat each Sunday night (40 frankfurters in 10 minutes!) while still maintaining your sylphlike figure. The misapplication of amphetamines and laxatives can never be countenanced, for you are not immortal, even if you are 128 years old by some measures.

And I am equally concerned for your poor grandson Dennie. Is he unable to walk because of some childhood disease, or because because you plied him with candied apples as a boy, leading to poor eating habits and ultimately to the morbid obesity that today immobilizes him in the bariatric wing of our local hospital? That is what my colleagues tell me -- they whisper (over the webcam I use to share with them performances by my young charges here in Cambodia), "Six hundred pounds." Significantly, you tried to induce Dennie to walk by offering him your special apple cake, even though it makes a Christmas fruitcake look like a radish by way of caloric comparison. I fear that this is not helping Dennie's situation, any more than laxatives and amphetamines are helping yours, and beseech you to change your ways.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...

Dr. Jeff Cory,

My grandmother’s special apple cake, as you know, is very delicious. No one makes apple cake better than Apple Mary Worth, and she is no slouch with the candied apples either. As for my inability to walk, I am afraid that when I was born, during the Great Depression, crippled boys were what they call today “in.” I don’t want to go into it anymore than that, except to say that the entertainment needs of people during the Great Depression would not be sanctioned by the general viewing public today. As for my weight, grandmother tells me I am big-boned, even though the bones are not quite together like they should be.

Love,
Dennie Worth

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

I thought I remembered some mention that Dennie suffered from rickets, caused by a lack of vitamin D. As I recall, he began to improve with daily doses of castor oil and exposure to abundant sunlight, which is so necessary for the absorption of vitamin D. Perhaps Dennie's long confinement in a Turkish prison aggravated the condition.

8:46 PM  

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