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Monday, September 11, 2006

The Camerons chase my Aldo out of town!

With metaphorical torches and pitchforks, no less! Why not stone him too, while you're at it?!

::sigh::

I know my friends mean well. They want to save me from myself, save me from ruining myself all for the sake of a few fumbling, sweaty, fervid moments of sextasy.

But did they have to be so cruel to such a darling man? After all, what did he do that was so terrible?

I recognize my own part in this persecution. After all, I too recklessly exaggerated when I said I "never knew where he was going to turn up." After all, he really only met me once in my garden, two or three times in the parking lot, and called me up once on the phone. Now, if I felt nothing for Aldo, or only friendship, these acts would seem very like the actions of my other Charterstone neighbors.

But proximity to that man puts me in very grave jeopardy. I am at risk of throwing my inhibitions and my high-waisted panties to the wind and sitting on his face in an expression of unchecked passion!

I know he feels I betrayed him. I am so sorry his spirit and his heart have been broken. I wanted to cry when he spoke of his loneliness. I longed to take him in my arms and press his face to my bosom.

I wish it could have been some other way. But alas, I am a victim of my own perfection. I cannot tolerate a blemish on my public reputation, even if it means that I must suffer the deepest private anguish.

Oh, Aldo. I weep for what might have been.

11 Comments:

Blogger Dear Abbey said...

You are better off without him!

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

Beloved Mary,

I adore you and I never meant you any harm. But I can tell from your friends’ pointing I am not wanted. Dr. Ian Cameron and his wife Toby kept pointing at me again and again and again. Their fingers got so close I had to cover my eyes. Then when Toby was not pointing with her finger, she was pointing with her breasts. I feared for my life then. No man wants to leave this world impaled on the breasts of some woman they do not love. Well at least I can take comfort in the fact I was able to quote some of my beloved Shakespeare to you, even if it was “Et tu, Brute”, from Julius Caesar (Act 3, Scene 1,77). We could have been poetry together, Mary.

Sorrowful,
Aldo Kelrast

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...

Grandmother,

Don’t fret about losing Aldo. Remember when you lived at 535 Hudson Street in New York's Greenwich Village, you were constantly meeting and dispensing advice to persons of questionable repute. Remember the elderly Shakespearean actor you almost married back in 1978? I remember how glad I was when those marital plans fell apart. I am sorry you didn’t use a big, solid lamp to decide your problems this time, but I guess things have changed a little since the Great Depression.

Your crippled grandson,
Dennie Worth

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Lou Stirling said...

Dear Mary,

This intervention sounds thrilling - with such cultured repartee, your condo is rapidly becoming the literary salon of Charterstone! Anyhow, Kelly and I just wanted to write to express our gratitude for your unrelenting criticism about our weight. Thanks to your kind concern, I am delighted to report we are back on the amphetamines and feeling absolutely full of pep.

Toby was quite surprised earlier when we lapped her three times on our morning powerwalk (we had built up quite a head of momentum due to being up since 2 AM.) I am now feeling some oddly persistent cramps from the exertion, particularly around the left chest and shoulder area - but no pain, no gain, as they say! I am sure my heart muscle is now getting the exercise it sorely needs. Your crippled grandson would do well to follow our vigorous example!

Yours in health,
Lou Stirling

6:30 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

I am so thankful that Aldo finally seems to be grasping the truth. I must admit that my fingers were growing quite weary from the pointing that I've had to do over the last few days.

Additionally, I am glad that - even in his sorrow - Mr. Kelrast was aware of my unique ability to point with my perky, pear-shaped breasts. It's an acquired skill, and one which my beloved Ian seems to appreciate.

I must comment, though, that I am a bit concerned about Aldo's palsied shaking. He seems unable to keep his head and hands from quivering. Perhaps, Mr. Kelrast, you are suffering from medical as well as emotional ills.

6:45 PM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

Mrs. Cameron's comments about Mr. Kelrast's potential medical problems concerned me deeply, so I took the liberty of consulting my dear former colleague, Dr. (now Sen.) Bill Frist. (We met early in our careers at a hospital in Nashville, but were unfortunately forced to part from each other after we were falsely accused of conspiracy to commit Medicare fraud.)

Sen. Frist, as you know, is perhaps the most brilliant diagnostician in America: he was able to recognize, from just a few moments of heavily edited videotape, that Terry Schiavo, far from being in a permanent vegetative state, was actually as sentient as Paris Hilton (though perhaps that is a bad analogy).

I sent Dr. Frist the last two weeks' comic strips and am alarmed to report that, after careful examination, Dr. Frist has diagnosed Mr. Kelrast's problem as rickets. Mr. Kelrast needs to drink plenty of Vitamin D-fortified milk and get lots of sun in the Charterstone nude tanning area, lest he end up like poor Dennie!

Mary, I hope that with this information, you will at long last cease swooning over poor Mr. Kelrast and realize that I, in striking contrast, am 100% "hunk."

10:15 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Jeff,

I am sorry that you have discovered and read my secret blog. I had hoped to record these feelings without you ever knowing about them. I don't want to dishonor our special friendship! I will always have warm and cordial feelings for you in my heart, and I hope that when you return, you will continue to be my regular companion and escort. If you rejected me, I would miss our enjoyable lunches and dinners at the "Bum Boat" and also the camaraderie shared over our nightcaps of hot cocoa.

Remember, it would be kind of you to turn a blind eye to my overpowering need for another man, just as I have turned a blind eye to your overpowering need to run away to Asia to "help" the little children. I'm sure you know what I mean.

You and I are meant for each other, Jeff. Our gentle, platonic companionship will keep our hearts lukewarm throughout our golden years.

Yours truly, Mary Worth

1:35 AM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Dear Mary,

I am confused. I thought you told me that Dr. Cory had gone to Asia to help the poor sick children there. But something I overheard recently made me wonder if Jeff had actually gone to treat sick animals.

While we were in your apartment waiting for you and Aldo to arrive, Lou and my beloved Ian were wondering aloud how long Dr. Cory would have to go on spanking the monkey, since his relationship with you seemed to be very platonic. Is Jeff an animal lover? And wouldn't spanking the poor monkeys do more to harm them than help them?

Perhaps you can explain.

Sincerely, Toby

8:10 PM  
Anonymous mary worth said...

My dear friend Toby,

When I received your question, I thought to myself, "What man do I know who would be willing to answer such a query?" I was sure my friend Jeff would answer it if he were here, but alas, he is in a country with a shoddy telecommunications system. It seems clear that you are not willing to ask your husband.

Then I began to wonder why you were talking to Lou Stirling in my apartment before I arrived, when he was not there later on. I think you must have meant Wilbur Weston was speaking to your husband about my friend Jeff. So you probably would not feel comfortable with me asking Mr. Weston either.

I decided to call on Lou and Kelly Stirling. Because I am polite, I waited until well after the dinner hour was over, unlike certain overeager young suitors I could name! When Lou answered the door, it was obvious that he had been cleaning up the kitchen after the evening meal. He was dressed in a frilly apron and knee socks. He also had a little maid's cap on his head.

I noticed that Lou was having trouble standing still. I said, "I can see that your new healthy diet has invigorated you!" And Lou said, "We find we eat less and have more energy if we have a nice big appetizer of black-market Fen-Phen and Benzedrine before dinner!"

Just then, Kelly ran up behind Lou. She was wearing a bib apron, a chef's hat, and some very tall high-heeled shoes. She was also carrying a long-handled spatula. She shouted, "Hi, Mary!" and slapped Lou firmly on the buttocks with the greasy spatula. It was then that I noticed an odd protrusion underneath Lou's apron.

"What kind of diet is this?" I asked Kelly. "I don't remember my dieting wisdom including any platitudes about semi-nude horseplay!"

"Just for fun, we tried mixing Lou's Viagra in with our diet pills!" Kelly said, laughing maniacally. Then she slapped Lou's buttocks again, and he shrieked like a little girl.

I asked, "Well, just quickly, I'd like to ask you, what does it mean to 'spank the monkey'?"

Kelly said, "I know one monkey who's been a naughty, naughty boy!" and she slapped Lou a third time on the buttocks with the spatula. Then Lou chased Kelly in the direction of the bedroom. So I did not get my answer.

Do you think I should call Aldo and ask him?

Yours truly, Mary Worth

8:52 PM  
Anonymous Kelly Stirling said...

Abominable lies! I suspect that poison pen letter was forged by yet another stalker. Why, anyone with half a brain (apologies, Toby) would know that a couple as dowdy as Lou and I haven't had a sexual impulse since the Carter administration.

Well, I hope you're happy, as Lou collapsed and had to be hospitalized after reading that message. (His recent bender of Dexatrim, lamb stew, hollandaise sauce and Jazzercise certainly can't have helped matters.)

Perturbed but not perverse,
Kelly Stirling

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Yes, Mary, you're right. I did indeed mean Mr. Weston, and not Lou. I asked Ian about this monkey spanking, and he told me that they were discussing a "Curious George" book.

I can only imagine that Dr. Cory has been reading this book to some of the sick children he has been tending to. And I know that sometimes curious George does get into trouble, so I think I understand why he needs to be spanked from time to time.

I did mention this to Ian, and he began to churckle. I asked him if I had said something amusing, but he just reached into his pocket, handed me $200, and suggested that instead of worrying my pretty little head I should go out and buy a new outfit. He's such a wonderful, loving man!

5:44 PM  

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