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Monday, September 18, 2006

Drowning his sorrows in gin.

I received a phone call from my friend Rita Begler this morning. She told me that she had been spending some time at the that newest branch of that chain of locally-famous liquor stores, Wines Liquors. When I asked her what an alcoholic was doing in a liquor store, she assured me that she was just helping her friend Petronella Wines put sale prices on all the inventory. She and Petty met in AA, and I guess Petty is having a hard time of it, seeing as booze is her family business. Rita swore to me that she had not had a drop to drink, even though Rotgut Rye whiskey is on sale for $5.99 a gallon.

Anyway, the point is that Rita saw Aldo Kelrast--my Aldo!--come into the store right after he left our intervention! She says he bought a bottle of reasonably priced Bombay Gin ($32.99 a bottle) and then asked if they sold "sippy cups" so that drinkers don't spill while they are driving. Petty Wines told him that they did not, and cautioned him that drinking and driving is a very bad idea, as she knows from personal experience. She showed him her artificial arm.

But my Aldo was not to be dissuaded! He told Petty to "put my gin in a paper sack, so the world will know that I'm a sad sack!" Petty and Rita expected him to stick out his tongue and laugh in the commonly accepted manner of those who are amused by puns and wordplay, but he did not display any signs of mirth whatsoever. He simply sighed and said he was going to enjoy his gin and drive around for awhile.

Rita reported that Petty then removed her artificial arm and waved her stump in his face, and cautioned him that he did not want to suffer the same phantom pains and taunts of children that she does!

Undaunted, my Aldo slapped down his $34.97 ($32.99 with tax) and went out to his blue Oldsmobile. Rita says that she and Petty were so depressed by the sight of a morose Captain Kangaroo look-alike driving drunk that they almost fell off the wagon. Fortunately, they caught themselves just in time, and went on a five-day "bender" of back-to-back AA meetings. On top of all that, you will be sorry to hear that poor Rita has had to have dental surgery. When I asked her why her speech sounded slurred, she told me it was because her "trick molar" was acting up again. I counseled her to get to a dentist right away. After all, one cannot take too good of care of one's teeth!

Oh, my Aldo! This is what I've driven him to! What was I thinking?!

On a positive note, now that my heart is broken and I spend every waking moment worried about my sweet, depressed paramour, I hardly have any licentious thoughts at all.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

Mary, the one who so viciously rejected me,

After your very pointed intervention, I stopped at Wines Liquors to find the same sort of comfort I needed when my wife met her cruel fate. The selection of the right comfort beverage after being so cruelly treated is important. At first I thought the Doorkaat German Gin at $19.99 was a good choice, but then I remembered I do not speak any foreign languages, except the language of love. For this reason I also rejected the Gini Soave La Frosca Classico, Leroux Sloe Gin, and the Schlichte Steinhager Gin. I rejected the Drakes Gin at $6.99, the Georgi Gin at $8.99, and the Gilbey’s Gin at $11.99 as too common to drown my sorrows on so fine a woman as you. The Hendricks Gin at $31.99 and the Plymouth Gin at $21.99 were appealing, but finally I settled on the Bombay Gin at $32.99. It was gin worthy of Mary Worth.

Unfortunately there were two ladies there fighting over the last bottle in the store and as they rolled around on the floor struggling to gain control over the Bombay Gin, I noticed one of them had a prosthetic arm. When she placed the bottle in the hand on that arm, I quickly sprang forth, snatched up the Bombay Gin, paid for it, and after asking unsuccessfully for a drinking-and-driving sippy cup, put it in a brown paper bag to disguise it from the two women, who continued rolling on the floor well after I had made my purchase.

When they realized what I done, they hurled curses at me as I drove away in my stylish blue Oldsmobile. It was a traumatic event, but not as traumatic as the loss of your love. But now, dearest Mary, I am drinking liquid love to try to the fill the void in my heart, which used to be filled by you. I am sure if I drink enough, when I think of Bombay Gin, I will think of Mary Worth.

Your rejected lover,
Aldo Kelrast

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...

Grandmother,

I know your life has had some disappointments after grandfather died so young. I know you wanted my father, John David Worth, Jr., to make something of himself instead of deserting my crippled body to your apple-selling care during the Great Depression. I know you wished that in 1949, when you were set to marry wealthy bubble-gum manufacturer and verse-writer Drum Greenwood, you hadn’t had that car crash which gave you the amnesia that caused you to miss your wedding. I know some years later, you wished Edwin Penwhistle, whom you also wanted to marry, wasn’t a scoundrel who married women for their money. Even now, I can tell your kind heart wished this Aldo Kelrast fellow was not going to do some awful thing to hurt himself and others around him from drinking and driving, and you blame yourself. There is no need for self-recrimination. What is done is done. But the next time some person decides to cross the boundary of proper behavior with you, you should consider using a heavy lamp across his head instead. During the Great Depression, when you used lamps, you never had these kinds of troubles with men.

Your still crippled grandson,
Dennie Worth

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Mary,

I am glad to hear your friend Rita Begler is in good spirits (I mean that figuratively, of course), but I wanted to tell you that I'm not at all sure the job at the art glass studio her social worker lined up for her is working out.

As you know, I am a renowned local artist specialising in miniatures, and the other day Rita shattered an entire tray of my pieces while waltzing unsteadily around for some reason. They were for a much-anticipated series of Ethiopian Naked Mole Rat figurines I am working on (romantic both because of their nudity and because they mate for life). As if that weren't enough, I've been finding Bombay Sapphire labels mixed in with the scrap glass, and when she belched near the blast furnace earlier this morning I was almost sure I saw a small puff of flame.

Perhaps, Mary, it is time for us to plan another intervention. Yes, I feel sure that would be a good plan. You always seem to have such a positive influence on the people you meet.

Warm regards,
Toby

3:53 PM  
Anonymous The Real Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Mary - I am incensed! Someone has been impersonating me on your website! My flowing locks are shaking violently, and my perky breasts are aquiver with sheer indignity!

I vehemently deny working on Ethiopian mole rat figurines. The impostor who claims to be me proves his/her lack of knowledge involving the naked mole rat, whose range is limited to the horn of Africa, including parts of Somalia, Ethiopia, and Kenya. Egyptian, indeed! (You can verify this at http://nationalzoo.si.edu/publications/zoogoer/2002/3/nakedmolerats.cfm.)

And as for these creatures mating for life????? The mole rat colony is ruled by the queen, who has a harem of one to three males with whom she chooses to mate.

However, my impersonator has brought up an interesting point. Perhaps you, Mary, should consider following the example of the queen mole rat. I am certain that Aldo would gladly trade his gin for a chance to be in your harem.

9:48 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

My friend Rita Begler called me up again just a few minutes ago. Naturally, I was annoyed. I go to bed promptly at 8:30 pm every night so that I might awaken by 4:30 am, in order to prepare for my sunrise power walk.

However, Rita had some information for me that you all might be interested in. She told me that after she "sobered up"--I assume she means from all the nitrous oxide the dentist used while fixing her trick molar--that she remembered my Aldo also purchased a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label. She said she saw him guzzling from it as he drove off in his well-kept Oldsmobile.

Rita then told me that she admired a man with such discerning taste, and asked if I would mind if she asks Mr. Kelrast out on a date. I told her that "my Aldo" is not really mine, and to do whatever she wants. Then I slammed down the phone and went to pour myself a drink. Thank goodness Dr. Ian Cameron dropped off those two cases of Bombay Gin early yesterday evening.

That ungrateful bitch! I should have left her to rot in that awful women's shelter where she could have only hoped for the cold and impersonal sort of professional help that losers must resort to! Then she wouldn't be off trying to steal my admirers!

Excuse me, I need to make another pitcher of extra dry martinis.

Cordially, Mary Worth

12:16 AM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

My Disappointing Mary,

I have some friends who are giving me a proper intervention. An intervention is supposed to be made up of your friends you trust, and not the friends of the woman who broke your heart, just to let you know, Mrs. Mary “Do Everything Properly” Worth.

I have my old friend “Johnny” and my new friend “Ginny”. They don’t point at me like your friends did. They want me to feel better about myself. This intervention is going much, much better than my last one. I started my intervention with my old friend “Johnny”, instead of my new friend “Ginny”, because I am loyal to my old friends and that is the kind of guy Aldo Kelrast is. But you will never know that since you had your friends point at me and tell me I was not wanted. Your loss.

I am feeling pretty good about my friend “Johnny.” I think I may let “Ginny” drive my Oldsmobile for awhile. After all, you’re not supposed to drink and drive, and until “Ginny” is empty, technically she is not “drunk.” Hee-hee. That's a little Aldo-style humor. Just another thing about me you don't get to experience, Mrs. Mary "Pointy Friends" Worth.

Drowning my sorrows and feeling fine,
Aldo Kelrast

1:42 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dearest Aldo,

I miss your levity! I am so sorry that my friends were so harsh with you. That wasn't what I wanted! I have already told them that they probably did not choose the best way to go about it.

Oh Aldo, can you ever forgive me? Please, bring your friends Johnny and Ginny over, and we'll have a nice talk. Mano a womano, so to speak.

Time for another pitcher of extra-dry martinis.

Yours truly, Mary Worth

2:57 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dear Mary,

All this drinking and swearing is getting completely out of hand. I am hoping that this is just being done in honor of the fact that today is "talk like a pirate day." I know that pirates use very colorful language, and that this probably occurs more often when they have consumed large quantities of alcohol. But I believed that rum was the buccaneer's beverage of choice.

Be that as it may, I am becoming quite concerned for you, Aldo, and Rita. I think that another session of finger-pointing is inevitable.

Loving yet stern,
Toby

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Elly Patterson said...

Mary, I am very concerned that this Kelrast fellow might "go after" you while he is inebriated. Maybe I should send my daughter's friend Anthony Caine to watch out for you and, if necessary, tweak Mr. Kelrast's ear until he apologizes and runs away. Anthony saved my daughter Elizabeths's honour last summer from a going-after by the notorious Howard "Clown Hair" Bunt.

Elly

4:39 AM  

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