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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Fleeing from women and naysayers!

My dear friend Harold Horst called me up this morning to ask me out to lunch. Naturally, I told him no, and that it was best if we don't socialize too closely. Harold rather obtusely replied, "But we've been friends for 30 years! You gave the eulogy at my life partner Tim's funeral!" Men. They just don't understand the strict code we women must live by in order to preserve our reputations.

But I digress. Harold then told me, "I have some information that I know you would like to hear, Mary Worth!" And I said, "You know I don't like ugly rumors. The trouble with them is that they're usually true!" And Harold said, "Yes, well, this one is definitely true." And I said, "Oh, all right, I can see you want to tell me, so just get it over with."

Harold then told me that the other day--a few hours after the intervention the Camerons held for my Aldo--he saw Aldo Kelrast driving down Santa Royale Boulevard, "chug-a-lugging" Johnny Walker Gold Label whiskey. I said, "It wasn't Blue Label?" and Harold said no, it was definitely Gold Label. I wonder why Rita Begler reported him drinking Blue Label? I'm surprised she would get her liquors confused--no novice, that one! Maybe she was still feeling the effects of whatever the dentist dosed her with. Rita said it was powerful--and "tasty," though I don't see what that has to do with anything.

When I asked Harold why he didn't call the police and report Aldo for drunken driving, he said, "Well, he seemed to be driving just fine. He used his turn signal. Drunks don't do that." I said, "Well, my Aldo is a considerate man." Harold said, "He's an unusually skilled man, too. At one point, we were next to each other at a stoplight, and I saw him fixing a problem with his turn signal with one hand while he used the other to tip his bottle of Johnny toward his mouth."

Harold reported that next Mr. Kelrast rolled down his windows and started to beller at him. Some of you no doubt remember that Harold has a red convertible and likes to drive with the top down. Aldo shouted to Harold, "Do you know anyplace I can get away from all women?!" Harold shouted back, "Try Fire Island! It's lovely this time of year!"

Aldo seemed intrigued. "What about naysayers? Do they let any naysayers onto Fire Island? Because I need to forget about them, too." Harold assured him, "Fire Island is a very tolerant community. My dearly departed life partner Tim was fond of saying, 'Anything goes at the Fire Island Pines, even nude sunbathing.'" Then Aldo asked, "Will my love of revelry and levity be appreciated there?" Harold answered, "Fire Island is a party place. Anyone who likes to drink and joke around will fit right in."

Aldo said, "That's the place for me, then! Is it in Santa Royale?" Harold informed him that it is, in fact, in New York. Aldo then held up two bottles of liquor--his Johnny Walker Gold Label and his Bombay Sapphire gin--and scrutinized them before concluding, "These won't even last me to the state line!" Aldo said he was going to have to find another liquor store to stock up. He thanked Harold and drove off, screaming, "Fire Island or bust!"

I am very, very concerned for my Aldo. I want all of my friends and acquaintances to know that, if they see or hear of news of Aldo, they should call or write to me immediately!

22 Comments:

Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dearest Mary,

A drunken Rita Begler showed up at my door a few minutes ago. Apparently she was looking for you, but in her inebriated conditon she rang my bell in error.

When I asked her about her belief that Aldo was drinking Johnny Walker Blue instead of Gold label, she admitted that she had been watching him through the tinted side windows of his Oldsmobile. I suppose this could explain the disparity.

If I hear any news of poor Aldo, I will let you know at once. Right now, I need to clean up the puddle of vomit that Rita left on my doorstep before she staggered off in search of you.

Regards,
Toby

3:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Toby,

Thank you for your quick thinking in posting this message to alert me that Rita was looking for me. When she had not knocked on my door by 3:15, I went out looking for her. I found poor Rita lying face down in the Charterstone parking lot. Wilbur Weston was sharpening a carving knife. Lou and Kelly Stirling were standing there watching him.

I asked Wilbur, "What do you think you're doing?" And Wilbur told me that Ask Wendy had received a letter questioning whether human flesh really does taste just like chicken. He said, "I was going to throw the letter away, and advise that lady in Maine to give her eleven-toed daughter up for adoption instead. But then I found this dead body in the parking lot. How fortuitous!"

Kelly Stirling giggled, and her husband Lou clapped with glee. Apparently, Wilbur had advised them that "long pig" is a low-fat food. You would think they would know that was a lie just from looking at Rita, but nobody ever said the Stirlings are the shiniest ornaments on the Charterstone Christmas tree.

At any rate, I stopped Wilbur from carving Rita up like a side of beef, and it's a good thing too. She was still alive. Wilbur, Lou, and that nice young man who cleans the pool all pitched in to carry Rita up to my apartment. She is sleeping peacefully in my guest room.

Don't worry, my one remaining swan is locked up in my safe deposit box.

I called up her dentist and had some strong words with his receptionist. He obviously uses far too much anasthetic! The man should have his license revoked.

Yours truly, Mary Worth

10:39 PM  
Anonymous Aldo Kelrast said...

Mary,

I have come to realize that you are out of my league. But I am not really sure if I have driven that far yet. Perhaps I should say you are out of my mile. I was headed toward a place recommended to me called Fire Island, but I think I have gotten lost. A fellow traveler recommended it to me, and I thought it was fairly silly place to go, since I can’t actually drive to an island, can I? There’s all that water stuff in the way. But I didn’t want to say “nay” to him, since I do not like naysayers. I just thought I would drive until I saw the flames, but I have been driving for a long time, and I have not even seen a puff of smoke.

To pass the time, I have been trying to remember all the lines from my beloved William Shakespeare where one of his characters said, “nay,” but alas there are too many. Shakespeare liked to have his characters say “nay,” but for some reason, it doesn’t bother me as much when a dead 16th century playwright says it, than when people with pointy fingers say it.

In the meantime, I have gotten very good at driving while holding a bottle to my mouth. I guess I can thank you for that, Mary, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to type this, and drive, and drink all at the same time. I have new skills, but I would have rather had you.

Aldo Kelrast

4:50 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...

Grandmother,

I am growing concerned that your friends at the Charterstone Condominium Complex are too dependent upon alcohol. Traditionally alcholics are not good advice-takers, and the grandmother I remember thrived on people who would not only seek her advice, but take it. When you lived in your apartment at 535 Hudson Street in New York's Greenwich Village, you ran into all kinds of actors and writers, as well as people in other glamorous professions, all of whom had some kind of problem, usually one involving the heart. But lately, most of your friends seem to be drunks and they don’t seem to be taking your advice. Something is just not right about that.

Maybe you should be more selective about your friends. After all, most people want a nice romantic happy ending, and not some Captain Kangaroo-looking guy driving drunk, while lamenting how he couldn’t have his way with you. That is not what you are about, grandmother. Back during the Great Depression, the only drunks you had any dealings with, were funny drunks--- the kind of people who would slur their speech, or walk into walls and be knocked unconscious. They were hysterical. If you have to associate with drunks, they should at least be ones we can laugh at.

Your grandson,
Dennie Worth

4:51 PM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

You may want to suggest that Mr. Kelrast, who, like me, has been devastated by your rejection of him in your understandable devotion to your sterling reputation for chastity, join me here in Cambodia, since it appears that he is having difficulty finding Fire Island.

Cambodia may well be a suitable place for a man of Mr. Kelrast's needs. At my clinic in Phnom Penh, it is easy to get away from all women, since the only inhabitants are boys and girls. Nor are there naysayers. The boys and girls, who are models of amiability, always say yes, no matter what the request. And the gentle people of Cambodia have a similar attitude. When, in the interest of preserving world heritage, I taught my young charges the harem dance of the 12th-century Khmer emperor Suryavarman II (the memory of which had nearly disappeared in the conquests, wars and revolutions of the 19th and 20th centuries), there was no naysaying. Far from it: the Minister of Tourism presented me with the 2006 Cultural Tourism Development Award!

There are daily nonstop Air Cambodia flights from Santa Royale to Phnom Penh, on which the "Johnny" and "Ginny" flow copiously, which will allow Mr. Kelrast (along with other lovelorn refugees from Charterstone) to leave the driving to them!

Missing you deeply,
Dr. Jeff

6:24 PM  
Anonymous victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dear Denny,

I don't know about anyone else at Charterstone, but my beloved Ian and I have occasionally laughed at Rita Begler. I distinctly remember the evening soiree at which Rita downed an entire pitcher of dirty margaritas and wound up trying to seduce the iron jockey near the Community Center.

When the party ended around midnight, Rita was passed out in the grass, so we just covered her with a lightweight blanket and let her sleep it off. We got an added chuckle the next morning, when we awoke to Rita's screams at 7:30. The automatic sprinklers had come on, soaking Rita with icy water.

Mary, the Stirlings, Wilbur, Ian, and I all laughed until our sides ached as we watched Rita, tangled in the blanket, stumbling and slipping in the early morning light. It was so amusing to see her crashing blindly into the holly bushes and the low stone wall. That's the kind of alcoholic that gives us good, clean fun.

It's so sad that Aldo has chosen to endanger others while trying to drown his unrequited love with Johnny Walker. When I said that to Ian, he got an amused twinkle in his eye and said, "Well, if Aldo is into Johnny, Fire Island is the place for him to go." Then he said something about Aldo getting his salad tossed, which I didn't quite understand. I guess he meant that some nice, green leafy veggies would sober Aldo up, but I'm not sure.

Mary, you are a veritable fountain of homespun wisdom. Have you ever heard of tossed salads being beneficial to people with drinking problems?

6:25 PM  
Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Mary, I have some potentially devastating news about Aldo Kelrast! As I was midway through my morning powerwalk, I was just being passed by Aldo's blue Oldsmobile when I observed it suddenly begin to vibrate uncontrollably in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. I heard Aldo cry plaintively "Oh, no..." as the vehicle skidded across an oddly striped rock formation. Fortunately, I saw he had shielded his forehead with his left elbow and held his beverage firmly away from him, as recommended in all defensive driving courses.

I was unable to stop my powerwalk to see if he was all right because my heart rate might slow down, but I did point to him as I passed and thought I should relay this message directly to you.

With heartfelt concern,
Toby

1:29 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dearest Mary,

Once again, someone has impersonated me on your blog. Although I did indeed write the missive addressed to Denny yesterday, the same upstart that recently sent you erroneous mole rat information is now contacting you concerning Aldo.

While I have heard some radio reports that tend to confirm that a blue Oldsmobile has been involved in a traffic accident, that particular accident was at least an hour from Charterstone. While I am incredibly fit, with a tight posterior and perky breasts, I assure you that I am unbale to "power walk" 50 or 60 miles, then walk back that same distance and send you a comment concerning your beloved Aldo.

I guarantee that if I had witnessed Aldo in danger, I would have immediately dialed 911 on my trim and stylish phone. I would then have called you, Mary, to let you know of Aldo's unfortunate circumstances. I can only hope that this Toby-impersonator is wrong, and that this accident did not involve Mr. Kelrast.

Of course, I will let you know if I hear anything about Aldo. I am becoming increasingly concerned over this ne'er-do-well who insists on misrepresenting herself as Victoria Cameron. Perhaps I, too, have a stalker who wishes to live my upscale, trendy life and ingratiate herself with my Ian!

6:22 PM  
Anonymous The absolutely real and quite perky Victoria “Toby” Cameron said...

Dearest Mary,

I don’t know who these other frauds are, but I can tell you right now if I knew who they were I would be pointing some part of my body at their lying faces. I am the real Toby Cameron and I can prove it. Being younger and more beautiful than everyone else around Charterstone, I was the only one around with the vision good enough to read the tiny print on a popular local bumper sticker that said, “Man’s inner life’s a mystery, and if drinking’s involved, his outer life’s history!” Most bumper stickers have a lot less words, like the one’s on my car which say, “I Brake For Coffee” and “Thanks for Watching My Rear.” This one was a challenge to read. Whenever I am brushing my hair to show Ian how beautiful my hair is and my tight thin body with my form-fitting pajamas to try to distract him from working on his school papers in bed, I usually mention how good my eyesight is too. There is nothing Ian likes better than a woman with 20/20 vision.

Tired of being impersonated,
Toby

3:30 AM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Alas! I can understand how every woman (and even some men) long to be me. If it pleases you to live on in your world of fantasies, dear, by all means continue. I'll be praying that you seek much-needed psychological counseling in the very near future. Perhaps Mary and I can plan an intervention with you - maybe coffee and scones? Just be sure to leave your angst and your imaginary friends at home.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

As a public health expert, I am quite alarmed by the report of Mrs. Cameron (whether real, absolutely real, or plain vanilla) that much of the Santa Royale public is driving around with bumper stickers reading, “Man’s inner life’s a mystery, and if drinking’s involved, his outer life’s history!”

If Mr. Kelrast was trying to read the tiny print on this bumper sticker, it is no wonder that he became distracted and lost control of his car, possibly even paying with his life! Many others, notably the seniors at Charterstone who have lost their ability to easily read fine print, are in danger!!!

Upon my return to California (which may not, however, occur for a while, given all the children in need at the clinic here in Phnom Penh), you may rest assured that I shall pay a visit to the California Department of Motor Vehicles and demand that they ban all bumper stickers in less than 60 point type!

2:06 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dear Mary,

Allow me to express my regret that even while you are dealing with the uncertainty of Aldo's fate, I have allowed my personal crisis with my impersonator to manifest itself on your journal.

I will do everything in my power to aid you as you valiantly struggle to help mankind. You are such a sensitive, caring friend. We are all lucky to have you at Charterstone. I am sure that you will be able to help Aldo recover from his drunken irresponsibility and encourage him to be an honorable, decent, productive member of society - much like you have helped Dr. Cory as he works so hard to help the young, tender children in Cambodia.

Your friend,
Toby

(P.S. If you doubt my identity, just follow the link to today's entry on my own journal.)

2:30 PM  
Anonymous The Original Toby Cameron said...

Will the real Toby Cameron please stand up?!?!?!?

Well, I was first! ;-p

4:54 PM  
Anonymous The Original Toby Cameron said...

Oops, I used the wrong "link." I'm such a ditz sometimes!

Toby

4:58 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dearest Mary,

I am starting to get quite concerned. I notice that these last two comments seem to link back to your own journal. Is it possible, Mary, that you have been having too much stress, what with Jeff being gone and your concerns for Aldo's safety?

Have you been having any blackouts of late? Any periods of time that you cannot account for? Do you ever suddenly "awaken" and not remember how you got there? Is it even remotely possible, dear friend, that you are adding comments to your own blog while thinking that you are actually me?

All of us at Charterstone have constantly asked you to give, give, give. We have been thinking only of ourselves, and (I blush to admit this) we handled Aldo in a less than civilized way.

I would like to comment, though, that the whole finger-pointing idea was not mine. My beloved Ian talked me into it, assuring me that stern gestures were the only way to get through to Aldo. Can you ever forgive us, Mary?

Apologetically,
Toby

6:45 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear friends,

I am quite disturbed to find that there appear to be at least three people writing to this blog who claim to be my old friend Toby Cameron.

Your endless squabbling is quite unbecoming, and it is taking away from the important subject under discussion, that being popular bumper sticker slogans in Santa Royale.

Perhaps you could each agree to impersonate different people, so that there would be less confusion?

Sincerely yours, Mary Worth

6:55 PM  
Anonymous Farley Patterson said...

Woof!
[Hi Mary]

Woof bark woof woof.
[I actually just saw Aldo floating by on a bank of cloud and nuzzling someone who reminded him a great deal of his late wife.]

Farley

7:38 PM  
Anonymous Wilbur Weston - not toby cameron said...

So does this mean that irresponsible booze-guzzling stalkers go to dog heaven? Does this also mean that dead dogs can type and communicate from beyond the grave? Perhaps I should change some of my advice in "Ask Wendy."

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Margo from Apt. 3G said...

Dear Mary,

How is it when a man tries to "love" you (be it a relative or suitor) he ends up "lame", "dead" or in a "hospital?"

9:15 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Oh, Mary! I'm so sorry about the phone call concerning Aldo! And while I'm ashamed that my appearnce is so slovenly, I'm so thankful I could be there to comfort you. But you must tell me - is Aldo.....he can't possibly be...... please tell me he isn't......????????

Consoling yet apprehensive,
Toby

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Mary Worth said...

He's... he's...

Oh, Toby!

Hold me!

6:32 AM  

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