Location: United States

Friday, September 15, 2006

A lifetime of regrets.

That is what Toby and Ian Cameron's intervention has left me with. I will go to my grave in despair over what my friends have driven that poor, sweet man to do.

Apparently, immediately after their cruel little "party" at which Aldo was the "guest of honor," my admirer ran out of my apartment, got in his car, and drove away! He didn't even bother to pack his things, just left them in his cousin's apartment. He must have been under a tremendous amount of distress to do something so rash!

My friends are adamant that they did the right thing, but I am sure we could have handled it better. Who knew that my reckless, histrionic exaggeration of Aldo's actions, which made him out to be a vicious stalker, could backfire so badly?

I know this will make me sound like a whore, but maybe Aldo and Jeff and I could have worked out an arrangement whereby I would be allowed to go out to dinner with both of them. Jeff and I could continue to dine at "The Bum Boat," and then on the nights when Jeff has to work late, Aldo and I could have dined together at "Delicious Pursuits."

That sort of plan may smack of wanton slutitude, but obviously, as a widow of good standing and impeccable reputation, I would not be having sexual relations with either of those men--though, in one case, I might desperately want to!

Or, if that plan proved to be too modern for Jeff, we might at least have worked out an amicable arrangement with Aldo in which he might learn to stop meeting me in the parking lot at the end of the day. I read an article recently in the Clarion, written by a brilliant man named Michael Patterson. He said that, in dealing with a troublesome neighbor, he found it immensely helpful to divide the lobby with a line of masking tape. Perhaps the Camerons might simply have helped me divide the Charterstone parking lot in half with a masking tape line?

But we shall never know! I keep thinking that this whole thing might have ended less painfully. Now I am sure my Aldo is planning to do himself a harm! Probably he will drive his Oldsmobile off one of the cliffs on the Pacific Coast Highway. As his car smashes into a hideous lump of twisted steel, he will no doubt scream my name in agony. Oh, the humanity!


Anonymous Victoria "Toby" Cameron said...

Poor, sweet Mary - you're such a thoughtful soul. But while Aldo is upset, I'm sure he won't do anything to harm himself. As a matter of fact, as I was just gazing out my window, I actually think that it was YOUR car that he was approaching. And it looked to me as if he was dragging the key vigorously down the side of your lovely, light blue car. Of course, I could be mistaken.

I am sure that when Jeff returns, all this will just seem like a bad dream.

6:37 PM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...


Do you really think he "keyed" my car, as that ghetto hipster child who skateboards on Charterstone's walking path would say--? All I saw was him approaching a blue Oldsmobile with a key in his hand. I couldn't tell if it was mine. At least half the cars in the parking lot are blue Oldsmobiles. I turned away then because I couldn't bear to watch his misery! My Romeo!

I'd go down to the parking lot and check my car, but what if my Aldo has turned on me? What if he's lurking down there behind the Stirlings' RV, just waiting to grab me in the darkness and choke the life out of me with his bare hands for sweet, sweet revenge?!

Toby, would you go down there and look for me?

Many thanks, Mary Worth

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Victoria"Toby" Cameron said...

Dera Mary,

Being somewhat frightened myself, I asked Ian if he would go down to check things out. He left an hour ago, and he still hasn't returned. I am beginning to get worried.....

6:31 PM  
Anonymous Ian Cameron, PhD said...

Not to worry, sweet lassie - I was just down at Delicious Pursuits lunching with my unmarried sister Daphne (you remember, the rather mannish one with the short, blue-tinted hair). Always talking on her cell phone, as usual. And wouldn't you know, she insisted on bringing another one of her "roommates" - at least this one was marginally more feminine.

Anyhow, as we were leaving I could have sworn I saw Kelrast going into that popular new store called "Wines Liquors". Did you know Bombay Gin is on sale there for $32.99? I'll pick us up a few bottles, they won't last long at those prices.

And Mary, as I said earlier, if that miscreant bothers you again, don't hesitate to call on us!

Ian Cameron, Ph.D.

6:13 AM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Dr. Ian,

While you're at the liquor store, would you mind picking up a case of Bombay Sapphire for me? As you know, I don't drink myself, but I think they will come in handy as...presents. Yes, as presents.

I am drowning my guilt and sorrow over the brutal "intervention" you staged for my Aldo only with cocoa. I swear on my good name.

$32.99, you say? Better make it two cases.

Yours truly, Mary Worth

12:47 AM  
Anonymous F. Gerund Wells said...

If I may say so, Mary, I am impressed by your ability to blog about conversations that you are still in the middle of. How did you manage to write these beautifully composed blog entries without your friends noticing that you had slipped out of the room for half an hour in the aftermath of the intervention?

But perhaps I am misinterpreting the newspaper's reporting of your life. I had imagined that it took the events of a few minutes and spread them out across several weeks' worth of comic strips due to space limitations. But now I'm beginning to suspect that it is, in fact, depicting events in realtime. Each day you and your friends speak one or two sentences to each other. Then you each retire your separate apartments, where you spend a day and a night in thoughtful meditation, carefully considering the words spoken and deciding on the wisest response. After this period of reflection is done, you return to your locations of the previous day and exchange another set of carefully chosen sentences.

Is this true? It would certainly explain why your conversations are so meaningful and free of frivolous banalities such as discussions of current events, the weather, and the well-being of friends and relatives. I can only imagine and admire the strict discipline it must take for all concerned, and I humbly suggest that the lynchpin of this discipline is a certain paragon of integrity whose initials are M.W.

F. Gerund Wells

9:49 AM  
Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Mr. Wells,

You are a very nosy man who is meddling in matters that are not only none of your business, but that are also beyond your comprehension! Do not question these matters again! Suspend disbelief like a good little boy and run along before the Creator smites you dead!

Sincerely yours, Mary Worth

10:04 AM  

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