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Monday, September 25, 2006

Time to place the blame!

Toby Cameron, Aldo's death is your fault! Many times I asked you, "Should I throw away my pristine reputation and give in to the temptations of the flesh? Should I cast off my respectable suitor in favor of an ardent lover?" And each time you said, "No! What would happen to Charterstone if you weren't there to serve as our flawless moral touchstone? What would happen to me, if you didn't need a gossip-collecting, power-walking sidekick anymore? Mary, you must resist! Scrape Aldo Kelrast off like dog doo from the sole of your jaunty little orthopedic ankle boot!"

Why, oh why did I listen?

But it is not merely Toby's fault! It is also her husband's fault. Dr. Ian Cameron's love of power made him so eager to assert his authority that he didn't stop to question whether an intervention was really necessary! And Wilbur Weston didn't care who got hurt--all he saw was another opportunity to dole out some of his pathetic, careless advice! And then there was his cousin, Hal Kane, who so recklessly sublet his condo to Aldo without bothering to make sure that Aldo's psyche was prepared to be in such close proximity to a woman of powerful charms such as myself! And I think it is no coincidence that my chaste paramour, Dr. Jeff Cory, left town just as Aldo Kelrast entered it! If he had stayed, Aldo might never have gotten the idea that I could some day be his!

But of course, the last ingredient in this poisonous stew was...me. Yes! For the last few months, Charterstone has been one big poisonous Mary Worth Stew. And, unlike my famous tuna casserole, that is one nasty concoction with a very bitter taste!

Oh, it was wrong of me to lead Aldo on! He was right! My words said no, but my looks, my tone of voice, my body language, the way I kept showing up in the Charterstone parking lot, the way I kept my phone number listed in the telephone directory--all these things screamed YES!

That day I brought him to my apartment--it was just the day before last, though it seems so long ago now--I knew he thought we were finally going to consummate our burning passion for one another! I saw the huge erection that was pressing against the front of his electric blue Sansabelt trousers! I should have predicted the crushing humiliation he would feel when, instead of candlelight and soft music, he found my living room full of angry neighbors!

Worst of all, after the intervention, I had that terrible premonition that Aldo would drive off a cliff and kill himself! I should have done something! I should have called the Santa Royale Mounted Police! They might have stopped him! But no--I had to sensibly pooh-pooh the idea that extrasensory perception might have some validity! And my Aldo paid with his life!

I have never felt such anguish! I would kill myself, except I am pretty sure I have counseled against suicide on past occasions.

6 Comments:

Blogger Mary Worth said...

Dear Dr. Ian,

I have placed a check for $839.27 in your mailbox. I'm sorry I didn't pay you back in a more timely manner. You're right, what with the death of the only man I've ever really loved, I haven't had much going on this week.

By the way, the use of credit cards is a dangerous crutch! I have relied on cash and personal checks ever since Carte Blanche was purchased by National City Bank and phased out of use.

Mary Worth

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Hal Kane said...

Eeexxcellent... everything is proceeding according to plan. I knew that having my cousin Aldo move in next door to a frigid, intolerant Elise lookalike like Mary would be a recipe for disaster -- and my clever little scheme of swapping Aldo's brake fluid with all the Bombay Sapphire in Wines Liquors was the icing on that special apple cake! The cops don't suspect a thing.. and soon, *I* shall inherit the Kelrast millions! AAAAAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!!!!

Oh dear, I seem to have accidentally typed this onto the internet instead of muttering it quietly to myself. I had better log off right away!

Hal Kane

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no no Mary, none of this is your fault! except the parts that are...

abw

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Ian Cameron, PhD said...

Mary,

Thank you so much for the check; but I've just learned there's been a recall on Bombay Sapphire at Wines Liquors. Apparently due to a mysterious sorting error, the entire batch was found to be heavily adulterated with brake fluid. Even casual consumption can lead to extreme psychiatric disturbances including paranoia, hallucinations, emotional volatility, meddling, and an intense fondness for crimson pantsuits.

Well, it's lucky we found this out in time. Just give me the cases to bring back for a refund and we can call it even. After all, you can't have given it all away already.

Can you?

Cordially,
Ian Cameron, PhD

12:39 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dearest Mary,

You're right, of course. We all bear responsibility for Aldo's death. I'm not sure if you read my late night comment on your last post, but even then I realized that I should have done things differently.

You know what they say - for every finger that you point at someone else, four fingers are pointing back at you. (Technically, that's not true, because your thumb is pointing sideways, but you get the idea.)

I must admit that I am very disturbed by Hal Kane's comment here, but that doesn't mean he is the only one who played a part in poor Aldo's death.

Had I known that Aldo had millions of dollars, I might have advised you to "go for it" as the young people say. But with that bowl haircut, those stretched out polo shirts, and those frayed Sansabelt slacks, who knew?

Perhaps Aldo has made you a beneficiary of his life insurance or included you in his will. In that event, you could establish a group that works to rehabilitate alcoholic stalkers. You could call it the Kelrast Memorial Foundation in his honor. That way, people would think of him fondly, instead of remembering him simply as a pudgy, irate drunk whose entrails were scattered on the Pacific Coast Highway.

Humbled and sorrowful,
Toby

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Dennie Worth said...

Grandmother,

You are certainly no stranger to automobile crashes, so you know just how dicey it is to get the investigation of them right. Are the police officers sure it is Aldo Kelrast and not some alcoholic who happened to decide to take a nap in his car, while the real Aldo is wandering around suffering from amnesia? The last time I remember anyone around you dying in a car accident was those Nazi saboteurs, and that was a little while back. You should be sure to question the officers thoroughly. When you got amnesia after your car crash, it took several blows to the head before your memory returned. I’ll do what I can to help. If I see anyone who looks like Aldo Kelrast, I will be sure to hit them over the head with my cane, until they remember you.

Your crippled grandson,
Dennie Worth

3:53 PM  

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