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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Toby vs. Mary Worth: Hand-to-hand combat.

The police came to interview me about the "intervention" we held for my poor Aldo before his sad, tragic death. Naturally, Dr. Ian, Toby, and Wilbur Weston insisted on being there too. The policeman knew my reputation for honesty, so he asked me all the questions, but the others kept interrupting him to twist the facts to make the "intervention" sound more like a friendly coffee klatsch. No doubt they are covering their asses, trying to get their version of the "truth" on record before Hal Kane and the rest of dear Aldo's relatives try to sue us all for intentional infliction of emotional distress and wrongful death.

Luckily for them, the police officer had a callous disregard for the life of my precious Aldo! "Oh well," his tone and manner said, "just another drunk driver." You could just tell that he was happy my angel Aldo was dead, so that he would not again have the opportunity to endanger innocent motorists.

The cold, cruel bastard!

Little did he realize that my tender Aldo bunny would never, ever have driven drunk if my friends had not so viciously abused him!

That dippy bitch Toby declared, "I can't believe he's dead!"

I shouted at her, "You heard what the police officer said, Toby! He's dead! Christ, what will it take to drive that fact into your thick head?"

Then I jumped up from my chair, and I shouted, "Your cruel intervention caused Aldo to drink! Drinking and driving lead to this tragedy!" I lunged at her, intending to claw her eyes out. That bitch killed my little Aldokins!

Naturally, Toby is in denial about her role in Snoogy-Woogy Aldo-Boogy's hideous death. As she tried to ward off my clawing finger, she attempted to direct the blame away from herself, wondering defensively, "But did our intervention push Aldo to drink?"

Like we don't know the answer to that question is, in her mind, a big fat NO.

But that bitch's day is coming. I vow this before you all: I will kill that golddigging whore for what she did to my little Aldo flower. My Aldo-Waldo honey pie deserves no less.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Death to Toby??? At least some good will come out of this.

6:08 AM  
Anonymous dennie worth said...

Grandmother,

Now there's the grandmother I remember. Pick up a lamp and take it across her head. Hurl a ripe apple from the cart. I'll whack her a few times with my cane. We haven't had a good scrap in some decades, grandma. That trophy wife will go down like a sack of very blonde potatoes.

Your grandson,
Dennie Worth

7:11 AM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

As your tepid second-choice boyfriend, let me first say "som tos" (Cambodian for "I'm sorry") to hear the sad news about Aldo, pudgy alcoholic stalker and possible wife-killer though he was. And let me also say "som tos" for the disappointment that you must have faced in opening up a bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin and drinking brake fluid instead. It really lacks a refined taste -- I know, since that's all we can get here in Phnom Penh.

As your physician, I wanted to pass along this information from "Samleng Yuvachun Khmer" ("Voice of Khmer Youth"0, a leading newspaper here and one that all of my little charges read daily to monitor the quality of the photographs in their escort ads. An article today reports on a study by the Cambodian Medical Association showing that repeated pointing, of the kind that you are engaging in with Mrs. Cameron, can lead to severe arthritis of the index finger! This would destroy your ability to blog, on which so many people depend for advice and comfort!

Mrs. Cameron, also a serial pointer, should also be warned off the dangerous path that she is following! She may be able to engage in her own reckless pointing habits for a while longer, since she is a nubile trophy wife with supple joints, but she, too, should take heed, lest, before she knows it, she becomes unable to perform the come-hither gesture in her boudoir that Prof. Cameron no doubt finds so enticing!

10:43 AM  
Anonymous mary worth said...

Dear Jeff,

Thank you for your concern in this my time of agony. Also, thank you for your warnings about the dangerous habit of pointing! I myself was not really pointing, though, so much as I was attempting to gouge out Toby's eyes one at a time.

Sincerely yours, Mary Worth

12:36 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dearest Mary, Dennie, and Jeff,

Well, this isn't going very well for any of us, is it?

Dennie - Since you seem to be so fixated with lamps, perhaps you could engage in some gainful employment, instead of languishing in bed and living off welfare.

Jeff - Even I am starting to have some questions about you "playing doctor" in Cambodia.

Mary - I assume this means that our usual Thursday time of tea and scones is cancelled this week.

Perhaps we will all calm down and get back to friendly terms again. It seems that through the years, many people have drifted in and out of Mary's life. After a few months, though, it seems as though they never touched our lives. As a matter of fact, I don't believe that Mary ever mentioned Dennie's existence to me.

No matter what, I'll still stand by all of you. And even if I become unable to point due to advanced arthritis, I'll still have my lovely golden hair and my ever-perky breasts. (I may have to work on that camel toe from my lavender jogging suit, though - quite improper!)

2:48 PM  
Anonymous Ian Cameron, PhD said...

Ladies, ladies! I shall admit myself flattered, but please!

Mary, I'm sorry to be so direct, but you were obviously ogling my (admittedly capacious and masculine) crotch just as the altercation began. Toby felt she had no choice but to intervene, successfully restraining you with her preternaturnally elongated left wrist (she can be astonishingly creative with that in the bedroom, believe you me.)

Again, it is exhilarating to be the subject of fisticuffs between two such handsome women, but please try to restrain yourselves. Mr. Weston is clearly disconsolate, having realized he is nothing but a balding, pathetic man-child who will never achieve half the masculinity that seethes from my every hair follicle (except the ones on my upper lip, which were unfortunately destroyed by that malfunctioning nose hair trimmer I bought from an infomercial on late-night TV.)

Ian Cameron, PhD

3:34 PM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

...And another thing, Mary. You referred to me as a golddigging whore. I am sure that you don't mean this, and that it is just your pent-up sexual frustration talking.

I assure you that I make quite a nice annual salary from the sale of my exquisitely painted miniatures. Neither am I a whore. Ian patiently waited for our wedding night to play Captain Kirk on my tight, firm Enterprise - boldly going where no man had gone before. And while I assure you we rapidly achieved maximum warp speed, I have no regrets for waiting. (Ian, on the other hand, wept openly every night for several months before the wedding.)

7:35 PM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Dr. Jeff Cory said...

Dear Mary and Mrs. Cameron,

Many thanks to both of your for your thoughtful words. Mrs. Cameron, I want you to know that satisfying the children's needs here in Cambodia is a lonely and often difficult task, but I believe that it is a noble one, and your sincere questions only make me redouble my efforts.

I am glad that both of you appear to be calmer after Mary's violent outburst, but am puzzled by what appear to be pictures of marijuana plants on Mary's wall, which I do not recall being there when I last visited. I am a firm believer in medical marijuana to relieve pain and nausea, but I was not aware that Mary was on chemotherapy. Is there some health issue, Mary, that you wish to share with me, or is this little shrine to "dope" a way of relieving the pain from your sad infatuation with the late Mr. Kelrast?

With sincere concern,
Dr. Jeff

12:30 AM  
Anonymous the real victoria "toby" cameron said...

Dearest Mary,

It seems that my last comment was lost in transmission - or have you banned me completely from your world? It seemed to me that you had granted me absolution. For that, I am eternally grateful. But I still know that it is entirely MY FAULT. Oh, Ian - hold me!!!!!

Filled with remorse,
Toby

12:09 PM  

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